The Chip: A Rude Awakening

Tony Perroni and Vinny Cooper
Correspondents

Picture this: you have graduated with sick honors, you have a six-figure job and you live in a sick-ass condo in Bergen County. 

You are the envy of your friend group. Friends from high school find you on social media and they vie for your life. You have a 20-minute commute to your cushy New York City executive job and everyone respects the heck out of you. Your desk is made out of a very endangered wood only found in the deepest jungles of Brazil, but you don’t care because you worked hard for that endangered wood. You have a corner office in the penthouse of your building. Everything seems to have fallen into place, and you let out a deep sigh of relief.

“Sighhhhhhhh,” you say, kicking up your feet on your endangered desk, glancing out the window. “I must be dreaming”.

“VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM” proclaims the leaf blower. 

You are dreaming. It’s 2 p.m. on a Wednesday. What’s wrong with you? 

As the sounds of screaming hurricanes emerge from the gas-powered landscaping tools rip you out of your state of slumber, you rub your eyes and angrily clench your fists in tight little angry balls of anger. You are angry. You have been awoken as if you put a note on the fridge that said, “Hey guys, please don’t wake me up,” and someone deliberately broke that rule. That leaf blower took your dreams away from you. How dare they.

“How dare you!” you shout outside your third-floor townhouse window to a team of innocent landscapers. “I had a sick-ass desk made of endangered Brazilian plant life! Now all I have is this fire-proofed orange-ish school-issued piece of carpenter’s shame!” 

You hate your real-life desk, and you hate the landscaping crew even more.  This certainly is not the first time they have woken you up at an “early hour,” and you know it will not be the last.  

However, a recent study led by Harvard Law has reshaped modern argumental ethics as we know it. The study concluded that the landscaping crew that woke you up is almost never at fault. Harvard Law’s team of investigators are far more knowledgeable than any common man, and they have concluded that it is “not the contracted landscaping company’s fault if a student is still asleep at 2:00pm on a Wednesday afternoon.” 

The study has opened a lot of students’ eyes to the fact that for all of these years, they may have been in the wrong.  

Sarah Meloetone, a frequent yeller-of-curse-words-at-landscaping-crews, was willing to give her thoughts to The Chip. 

“I lived in ABE freshman year, and I have to admit that there were multiple occasions where I yelled at the landscaping crew,” Meloetone said. “I meant no harm, I was just upset that the loud leaf blower and the smell of the deadly fumes woke me up. The results from this study make me feel really bad. I just wish I could apologize to those people.”

Like Sarah, many on campus feel a lesson can be learned from this study: sometimes the first impression is the only impression. While Sarah wishes she could give a sincere apology to the honest blue-collar workers that she yelled at, she simply can not.  

She treated them terribly for just doing their job. That was the only impression she will ever have on these nice laborers. The landscaping crew will hate Sarah for the rest of time, and there is nothing she can do about it.

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