The Chip: Power Outages Stifle Eick World Record

By Tony Perroni

From residents of Townhouses East to the recreational basketball team, Monday’s power outages inconvenienced students across the campus — but no one was more inconvenienced than one very loyal patron to Sir Harold W. Eickhoff Hall.

The human body is capable of magnificent attributes and feats. Look at world-class Olympians such as Usain Bolt, Simone Biles or Michael Phelps — all humans with incredible powers of strength, endurance and physicality. 

The College’s very own David Desanto, a junior mathematics major, is one of those people. Desanto currently holds the record for consecutive meals eaten at Eickhoff Hall in a row. He has sacrificed a lot to hold the second-place record of 808 days — first place is currently held by Mark Luca (’94) with 965 days. 

Desanto has missed many Thanksgivings, Christmases, Easters, birthdays and much-needed breaks just to eat at Eick. He has taken multiple summer/winter sessions here at the College as a means of staying on campus during the breaks. Technically, with the number of credits Desanto has accumulated, he has been eligible for graduation since his sophomore year. Yet, the star Eickthlete (Eick-athlete) continues to attend our institution for the sake of being our hero. 

Enter tragedy. Monday, Nov. 11, students at the College awoke to the news that many of the non-academic buildings on campus were without power — the realm of Sir Harold W. Eickhoff Hall being one of them. 

Desanto’s record? Suspended. The streak? Crushed. What was once an impressive feat and grind towards a first place holding, has been accumulated to many a meal alone at Quimby’s Grill. 

The student body is in disbelief. 

“I don’t get it, they would let (David) into Eick during one of the worst blizzards of the decade, but won’t let him eat alone in the dark? What is this place?!” screamed senior accounting major, Brandon Yung, who is currently throwing a chair in Alumni Grove to vent his rage. 

“I’m pissed. He was so close. We were so close. We coulda done it.” said a very solemn and sad Amanda King, a junior biomedical engineering major. 

“What a loser. What an absolute loser. He should have snuck in, but he didn’t. Absolute loser. I hate David Desanto. Loser. Wow. 808 days. Loser. Couldn’t do it. Wow. I’m friends with Eick. Good Guy. David Desanto? Loser” tweeted Donald J. Trump, the President of the United States of America, an avid user of Twitter and a dear friend of Sir Harold W. Eickhoff himself. 

The disgraced Eickthlete was last seen clawing at the gates outside the dining hall, as he screamed bloody murder for beloved Eick worker Big Larry to let him in. Desanto then hurled his body through the building’s glass doors as a means of entering the chambers. 

Campus Police removed Desanto from the premises and is currently holding him in custody for disturbing the peace and vandalizing campus property. 

Big Larry was unavailable for comment. 

“Greatness is never achieved without a bump in the road,” said Luca, the current Eick-streak world record holder, and class of ’94 Trenton State alum. “I will remain the world record holder until someone of greater stature and endurance can compete.”

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