By Tony Peroni and Ramsey Phillips
The College has accumulated a fantastic reputation over the last few years. It is often ranked No. 1 in public regional institutions for higher education — our education programs are held to high esteem and, of course, who can forget about the degenerates that burn mac and cheese in the Towers at 3 a.m?
As August draws to a close, the freshmen of Travers and Wolfe Halls have been graced with the same blaring sirens and flashing lights that give many upperclassmen haunting flashbacks to this day.
You didn’t ask for them, but here they are. Hot off the presses! These are the Top 10 Towers fire drills of the year!
1. Is that a two-man flashmob? No! It’s me and my CA shaking uncontrollably in Adidas flip-flops outside Travers Hall because some jerk thought it’d be a good idea to wrap a garbage bag around his fire alarm and test it by blowing a fat cloud into it.
2. Oh jeez! Devin from Wolfe 4 blacked out on a Wednesday night and set Easy Mac on fire again.
3. Who could forget “The Big Kahuna?” Named after the students wearing leis and thrifted button-downs after the Spring Luau Dage, this fire drill had us talking for weeks. We said Aloha to the outdoors that night, and absolutely nothing to the police officers conducting the drill.
4. What’s that smell? Easy Mac? Again? Devin, c’mon man! I have an 8 a.m. class!
5. Dec. 1 — the first snowfall of the year, and the sixth time my floor neighbor Kyle pulled the fire alarm at 2 a.m.
6. You’re in the shower? Better grab that towel and suck in that gut because Tammy accidentally put her apple watch in the dryer! We’re going outside, baby!
7. Now here’s a penalty for ya! Brian from Wolfe 6 smacked his head into the sprinkler while playing hall hockey, setting off the sprinkler systems and evacuating an entire building of students from their slumber!
8. Hey Courtney, I hope your chakras are aligned, because your Bob Marley incense literally caused this fire drill.
9. Y’all remember that one time the Towers were out of commission all of Funival 2018 just because some guy on Travers 10 didn’t want to clean the lint trap? I do too.
10. Devin burned Easy Mac again, but this time a cop yelled at me for standing on the sidewalk and my CA docced me
Tonya forgot she had a lasagna baking in the oven of Norsworthy Hall’s communal kitchen. Now the residence hall smells like a North Jersey Sunday dinner gone awry!
When you think about it, logistically, the Towers house about 1,000 individuals, whether they be students, staff or CAs. In a building of hundreds, fire safety is a legitimate and sometimes overwhelming concern for administration. So next time you and your roommate Boris share a cig inside your dorm and forget to open the window, forcing everyone from their beds and into the pouring rain, don’t feel bad! You are doing our beautiful campus a service, and keeping everyone prepared in case of an actual emergency.
DISCLAIMER: This is obviously a satirical piece and does not describe a real event.