By Tony Peroni and Vinny Cooper
Hey guys, so something very alarming has come up in my life. I eat lunch every day, usually after I eat breakfast and before I consume my dinner. Each day I leave class with my backpack located directly on my back and my stomach empty. As I walk, I assess all of my options.
We have Eickhoff Hall, Traditions Dining and all of the wonderful choices located in the Lions’ Den of the holy Brower Student Center. However, no matter how many times I get lunch, there is a giant gaping hole in my heart. Wanna know why? Because every day I eat lunch, it’s in the absence of Phil Murphy, the 56th Governor of New Jersey.
Phil! I know you are reading this. I am a student here at The College of New Jersey! New Jersey is the state in which you govern! We have so much in common, but also, one large, disbarring fault. That fault being that I get meal-equiv very often, and you have yet to make an appearance.
Hey Philip, rumor has it you’ve been seen eating lunch at the prestigious Princeton University. I understand that your mansion is only a stone’s throw away from the famous University, but Phil, think about the juicy burger you could get at OBC! That stands for “The Original Burger Company.” Have you ever had an original burger??? They’re so good, Phil! Or what about a 12-inch Crispy Chicken hoagie from Sub Connection?
Hey Phil, you might not want to hear this, but I recently had a meal with former governor Chris Christie, the 55th Governor of the state of New Jersey. Have you ever heard of him? It was a nice meal. Just me and Chris, sitting down at a nice quiet table in the stud. No cameras, no press no nothing. Just me and Christopher Christie, biting into a big ol’ juicy burger. Chris got hot peppers on his burger. I told him that was pretty crazy, but he could do what he wants.
Oh wait! I almost forgot to tell you about the best part about getting lunch with me! There’s this thing called meal equiv, where you basically kind of like, get free food? But you need to have a meal plan. But first, you need to apply as a student to this institution. You can’t get sort-of free delicious burgers at the College willy nilly. You need to be a committed full-time student with a declared major and a hankering for grrrrrround beef. Ah man, my salivary glands are acting up just thinking about it!
Ok, Phil, we’re here for the long haul. To become a student at the College, just turn on your computer. After that, I would advise you to use the internet and go to https://admissions.tcnj. edu/application status/ and create a profile for your application portal. Make sure you fill out the Common Application and get your high school guidance counselor to send your transcript. Then please wait six to 10 weeks while the admissions department processes your file. If you are lucky enough to be among the 48.7 percent of aspiring scholars to be accepted, you will then be able to apply for a meal plan. Then, you know what that means –– meal equiv. And not just any meal equiv, but meal equiv with me!
Hey Phil, I understand you can be a really busy governor. And I appreciate that! You make sure that New Jersey does not devolve into a state of reckless chaos. You read books and sign laws. You’re like the president if the president only had to care about New Jersey. I get it. Sometimes after I study, I like to take long naps and munch on some meat. We all have priorities. But right now, as I am writing this, and as my tummy is grumbling, I just wonder, will you ever get meal equiv with me?
DISCLAIMER: This is obviously a satirical piece and does not describe a real event.