Swole for What: Dudes Angry Over New Definition of Attractive

By Tony Peroni and Vinny Cooper
Correspondents

Ewing, NJ — For hundreds of years, young men have been striving for the perfect body.

Men at all levels of buff sweating through their weight-lifting, diligently track their macronutrients and buy protein powder in bulk. These are all staples that have been a critical component of the hunk lifestyle for as long as anyone can remember. 

Women used to agree — muscles are hot.  The most desired man at a party was the guy wearing a tight, white T-shirt who could throw the keg the farthest.  Women want a man who can protect them and their future families, and a man who can bench 315 for reps can obviously do that best. It’s true. Read the science. Hunks make better husbands.

In fact, strong men deserve to be considered attractive. They work hard in the gym every day to sculpt their gorgeous bodies. Those biceps certianly did not grow themselves. Those gorgeous lumps of dense muscle are the result of thousands of dumbbell curls, spread out over years of steroid-driven dedication.

Within the past few years, however, these huge men have been realizing something — women are no longer attracted to them.

In 2016, Zac Efron was hot. Zac Efron had big muscles, a v-line, abs and heart eyes from girls around world. Today, muscle heads everywhere are scratching their chiseled jaws as girls fawn over skinny kings and slightly overweight teddy bears.

The same ladies who used to want a set of huge pecs to rest their head on are now walking around on the weak arms of men who haven’t been to the gym in years. Ladies now want two types of guys — frail guys or guys with dad bods. The muscle men are angry.

For years, they have been putting hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of hours into the gym in order to achieve ultimate hotness.

We sat down with local tough guy, Dirk McManigan, a junior health and exercise science major and brother of Delta Tau Delta, to get his take on the recent mind-blowing epidemic.

“I’m fuming,” he said. “I did not spend the last two years of my life at the Campus Town gym, pumping iron and getting into my peak physical form, just to get outdone by some dude who eats nothing but Wawa all day.”

One such “Wawa dude” happens to go by the name Phil Tuttles. When asked about his physical condition, Phil described it as “not that fat, but definitely not in shape.” As for his daily routine, he eats “that sweet sweet Eick chicken.”

“I never asked for this cultural shift to happen,” he said as a size-2 super model freshman nuzzled his neck beard. “It’s definitely my fault that I have the body of a 40-year-old man, but I have no control over the fact that no one likes muscle dudes anymore.”

DISCLAIMER: This is obviously a satirical piece and does not describe a real event.

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