By Tony Peroni and Vinny Cooper
It was a cold, brisk February afternoon. As the sun set on beautiful Ewing, New Jersey, the temperature dropped to a biting six degrees Farenheit.
While most residents made the decision to head to Eickhoff Hall for dinner or make a quick stop at T-dubs, one student decided to break all convention and cook an entire four-course meal atop the infamous hot tile in front of the Towers. Kyle McAtasne, a freshman culinary arts major and math minor, decided to take his skills to the streets — literally.
Powered by a rouge water pipe and a bunch of angry little devil people hiding beneath the soil of the school, the hot tile has been a landmark at the College for generations. Students, more often than not, have been seen laying on the tile in order to battle extreme cold.
“This is a good tile,” said Edna Ortega, a junior public health major, when asked about her experience with the tile. “It’s my favorite tile on campus. It is very hot. I like that. It’s nothing like the tile in front of Norsworthy. I hate that tile. That tile, frankly, sucks eggs. This tile is nice and warm.”
McAtasne dawned a large chef’s hat and a tattered, yet still intact shirt that read, “Hug Me! I’m 1/2 Italian!!”
“You want an egg?” Chef Kyle said, smugly, not even waiting for an answer. He asked that he be referred to only as Chef Kyle from here on out. Chef Kyle broke the egg in his fist as if it were a great big stressball. The bits of egg that made its way to the intended target steamed and sizzled.
Chef Kyle kept smashing eggs onto the tile until the cooked eggs came to resemble the face of actor Tom Hanks, famous for being the voice of Woody in Pixar’s “Toy Story,” his role in the 1994 classic “Forrest Gump” and for being one of the least problematic men in Hollywood to this day.
“Usually I only cook in the privacy of my Aunt’s pool house, but the temperature of the hot tile,” he said as he began kissing his fingertips like the true jolly Italian chef he is, “mwah!”
Chef Kyle got into many verbal altercations during his cooking process. The majority of these altercations spawned from the same issue –– Chef Kyle completely blocking off a busy, public campus sidewalk. Students trying to walk to their evening classes were forced to either walk on the grass around the hot tile or step directly on Chef Kyle’s masterpiece of a meal. One student, who will remain anonymous, stepped on top of one of his Italian sausage links yelling, “This tile is for everybody to feel a brief period of warmth while walking in the cold! It is NOT for you to prepare all of these delicious meats on! I just got out of an 80-minute microeconomics class and the last thing I wanted to see was some bozo out here in a Spirit Halloween chef costume cracking eggs into the shape of Tom Hanks’ face!”
The sidewalk potluck came to an abrupt end as Chef Kyle was tackled to the ground and handcuffed by top executives from the FDA. That’s right, The Food and Drug Administration.
“I was just trying to make a beautiful four-course meal on the comfort of my own sidewalk!” shouted Chef Kyle.
DISCLAIMER: This is obviously a satirical piece and does
not describe a real event.