Wolfe resident uses bathtub: ‘It’s not that gross guys, I promise’

By Tony Peroni and Vinny Cooper
Correspondents 

WOLFE HALL – When visiting the College, it is hard to miss Wolfe Hall, the tallest building on campus. This ten-story residential building is rivaled only by its counterpart, Travers Hall. Both of these massive brick buildings combine to create a super residence hall known colloquially as, “The Towers.”  The rivalry between students in both buildings is fierce, but last Friday something happened that would disgust any student, regardless of where they lived.

Everyone has heard rumors about it, yet no one seems to want to talk about it –– the Wolfe Eight bathtub is a reality that no student can escape, yet everyone seems to ignore its existence; however, one recent incident changed its quiet status for good.

Reporters flocked to the scene when Campus Police received an anonymous tip from a student that someone was planning on using the bathtub for the most disturbing possible use –– its intended function.

Freshman Steven Schmidt walked out of the Wolfe Eight men’s bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist and a shower caddy in his hand containing a stained rag and a single container of Dove Men’s 3-in-1.

“It’s not that gross guys I promise,” Steven said with a hint of uneasiness, as if he was still trying to convince himself. “Every guy on my floor is part of an intramural soccer team, and they just finished their first game.  I had no other option other than to wait another two hours.”

When asked why he is not a part of his floors intramural soccer team, Steven refused to comment.

“The bathtub wasn’t dirty,” Steven continued, his voice rising in pitch and breaking at certain intervals. “It just looks discolored. I washed it out with hand soap just before I used it.”

He blinked back what looked to be tears building up around his eyes and clutched his caddie in front of his chest defensively.

“We’ve all joked about using it in the past, but we never thought anyone would actually use it,” said another Wolfe Eight resident and a witness at the event. “I think Steven took it too far this time.”

With this shocking development, the debate on which one of the towers is superior can finally be answered. Even students living in Wolfe had to agree that this incident earned Travers at least a couple hundred points.

“Both towers have students urinating in the elevators on a weekly basis, but only one tower has students disgusting enough to actually bathe in the bathtub,” said Jonathan Johnson, a community adviser in Travers Hall. “I’m glad we can finally put this debate to rest, because now we all know that Travers is the best residential building.”

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