June 1, 2020

Classic Signals: The Singal spreads fake news

Every week, Features Editor Alyssa Gautieri hits the archives and finds old Signals that relate to current College topics and top stories.

Every April, The Signal staff creates an April Fool’s edition of the campus newspaper called The Singal. Using light humor, the annual tradition is intended to create laughs among the College’s community. In 2006, the staff decided to feature College President R. Barbara Gitenstein on the front page of The Singal, claiming that she engaged in “hot steamy sex” with Roscoe the Lion. This week, The Singal features a range of comedic stories from The Geese Monologues to the renaming of Paul Loser Hall.

President Gitenstein is humorously portrayed in an April Fool’s edition of the College newspaper. (Alyssa Gautieri / Features Editor)

There is no reason to ask Kayy about your sexual problems ever again. The remedy is right on campus, and even the Git will tell you it never fails.

The Singal has uncovered super secret documents revealing that the steam from vents throughout campus significantly improve sexual performance.

Suspicions were raised when a student reported seeing the Git “getting intimate” with Roscoe, the College’s mascot, over the vent near the student center. The Git initially denied the allegations.

But after multiple sightings, The Singal decided to launch its own investigation.

After repeated phone calls to the College administration, school officials finally released a health report confirming sexual side effects of inhaling the steam. Health officials cited increased sexual drive, stamina and pleasure after prolonged exposure.  

Coincidentally, the report was dated Oct. 29, 2005, the day of the closing ceremonies for the College’s sesquicentennial.

“I knew the Git was extra giddy while giving her speech that day,” Jenny Goodblow, junior psychology major, said. “Now it all makes sense.”

Once the rumor of the steam’s effects spread, students and faculty eager to rejuvenate their sex lives flocked to the steam vents all over campus.

“My girlfriend always used to tell me that she wasn’t in the mood,” Ben Dover, sophomore physical education major, said. “Not anymore.”

So what causes this amazing steam phenomenon? Sources tell The Singal that the primary ingredients can only be found at the College, including the pungent-smelling manure that the College uses every spring and the mold from the water-damaged apartment complex. These chemicals seep down through the soil into the steam pipes and create the magical chemical reaction.

The College’s new resource has given a whole new meaning to its self-proclaimed reputation as the HOT college.

Twenty thousand new freshman applications swarmed into the office of Admissions the day after the word of the steam vents hit the streets.

With the surge of applications, it is estimated that the College will have the lowest acceptance rate of any college or university in the world.

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