By Johnanthony Alaimo
Love is in the air … hanging from a meat hook and trapped in a translucent egg. If that doesn’t make any sense, then that’s right — Lady Gaga is getting married. The pop star/modern-day witch is getting hitched. Her boyfriend, Taylor Kinney, proposed to Gags on Valentine’s Day. This just goes to show that there is hope for everyone. This marriage has to be unbreakable. There is literally NOTHING Gags can do to get Kinney to break up with her. What could possibly be worse than what she’s already done? I wish Gags the best and hope that she accepts my gracious gift of a blender. I’m just praying it’s not used in any “ARTPOP.”
There’s no hope for Vanilla Ice, though, as the former rapper/current incarcerated sucker has been arrested for allegedly robbing a foreclosed home next to the one he was renovating. Ice, real name Robert Matthew Van Winkle, was released from custody after being charged with stealing a pool heater and other pieces of furniture. Van Winkle has claimed the entire situation is just a “misunderstanding,” kind of like his whole career. Turns out, he’s filming a new TV series called “The Vanilla Ice Project” which sounds like a third grader’s entry in a science fair, but is actually Ice’s foray into “flipping homes.” Who wants to see Vanilla Ice renovate a home? What kind of Mad Libs shit is that? What’s next, Lou Bega is going to start fixing up classic cars? Save me.
Iggy Azalea is saving herself by taking a break from social media after saying that “the internet is the ugliest reflection of mankind there is.” I know, it’s because your music is downloadable on it! Seriously, Iggy, take a seat. You literally had a fight with Papa John’s Pizza over Twitter. Like respect yourself, why are you ordering Papa John’s? Was there no Domino’s in the area? Even a goddamn Pizza Hut. From now on, Iggy’s management will be running her accounts unless a message is signed “-IA.” So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye. Now that’s a good freestyle.