Hillary hasn’t driven a car since 1996

Please. PLEASE STOP. You’re always screwing up that I can honestly write, “Justin Bieber poops on steps to the White House,” AND IT WILL PROBABLY BE A FACT BY THE END OF NEXT WEEK. The troubled pop star/“Bad Girls Club” wannabe is in legal trouble, this time, not in our country. He went to go mess things up back in Canada where he has been charged with criminal assault on a limo driver. Why are you doing this? Justin Bieber Without Borders is about to become an organization because nobody wants your ass. It’s really pathetic how people are coming to his defense, saying he’s “just a kid.” Well, so was everyone else who has ever lived to 21 and most of them cannot boast that they’ve broken the law in two different countries. A jerk is a jerk. Listen, Canada, we might share Niagara Falls, but you can take this waterwork off our hands.

Clinton probably has never heard of a bluetooth. (AP Photo)
Clinton probably has never heard of a bluetooth. (AP Photo)

Hillary Clinton revealed in a recent interview that she hasn’t driven a car since 1996! Wow, she’s really missing out on Bluetooth. The future POTUS/current pantsuit heartthrob has had secret service agents drive her around for the past 18 years. Incredible. I wish I had that kind of service. I wonder what Hillary would be like behind the wheel. Something tells me she’d tailgate you, cut you off and then give you the finger as she blasts “Summertime Sadness” from her stereo. That’s the kind of person I need in the White House.

In stress relief news, “American Horror Story: Coven” finally wrapped up its season this past week. And I am glad. I have never watched a show that has given me a headache before, but watching Kathy Bates on a leash did just that. The season as a whole, while iconic, was very bad television. The writers definitely made shit up as they went along, making the show seem disjointed with no aspect of continuity. Do you remember when there was a minotaur and a MURDEROUS vagina? Like excuse me? What happened with all that? Here’s hoping Season 4 is coherent and spooky and features a guest appearance by William Shatner.

P.S. Hillary Clinton’s bumper sticker would definitely read “MONICASUX”

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