Do you hear that? No, turn off the megahit “Work Bitch” for a second and listen even closer. Yes. It’s the sound of women waxing their legs, plucking their brows and bleaching their, well … Because, everyone, Zac Efron is single. And he only likes the most bleached of them all. (Vanessa Hudgens, bleach your heart out.) The young heartthrob/your daughter’s wallpaper print recently declared he is single and not dating anybody at the moment. You know that phrase, “plenty of fish in the sea”? Well, fuck the fish. I don’t want a flounder. I don’t even want a hefty albacore. I want a chest of doubloons. And I have reason to believe Efron has plenty of good doubloons.
Speaking of fish, Taylor Swift is making like one hanging out in Chinatown, attracting the worst of attention. The singer/breakup enthusiast recently spoke about her upcoming album. That’s right. We have a lot more to look forward to. She also mentioned how the album will be “different than the last.” What, did you date and break up with a woman now? Tegan and Sara have already cornered the lesbian angst market, back off! Rumors are spreading, though, that the album will be called, “At first I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad, handwritten book.”
And finally, Britney Spears has released the title of her upcoming album slated for a release on Tuesday, Dec. 3: “Britney Jean.” I’ll tell you now, Billie Jean might not be my lover, but BRITNEY Jean certainly is. The iconic pop star also had a bit of “surprising” news. She will be taking a break after the album. Well, Britney has been really busy lately. I think they’re making her wake up before 3 p.m.! It’s a grueling schedule. But I’m proud of what my homegirl has done. An eighth studio album? That’s the kind of change I like to see, SWIFT.