Reality check: Paris releases new music

You. Better. WORK. So says Britney, and we all know how hard she works, so you better listen.

Britney's back and she wants you to work. (AP Photo)

Miss Britney Spears released the music video for her new (hit?) single, “Work Bitch,” last week. And let me tell you, she worked as much as someone in 1929. What I’m trying to say is it was a tad lackluster and nothing comparable to the Britney I used to pray to in 2003. I mean, I guess the government shutdown extended to the choreography in the video? It just wasn’t there! Yeah, we get Britney squatting in a desert with a car racing behind her, but we got that in “Breaking Bad” too, and I don’t think they called it dancing. I’ve gotta say, though, she looks HOT. There are just a few questions I have. Like, why was she dancing in sweatpants? Why was she in a pool of sharks? Why didn’t the sharks have laser beams? Regardless, Britney is back and she is here to WORK. (Except between the hours of 12 a.m. and 11:30 p.m., with a lunch break at 11:45).

Other people who are doing odd jobs include Justin Bieber’s bodyguards. Pictures surfaced showing the singer/shirt-hater being carried up the Great Wall of China by two of his bodyguards.

First off, that wall needs some revamping if Bieber can get on it. Second, how pompous can you get? If he had time, I bet he would have installed an escalator. It’s like he’s actively TRYING to make the world hate him by doing stupid shit he knows would infuriate people. Well, we won’t give in to your GAMES, BIEBER. WE LOVE YOU. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT.

And if you need any reason to stay in your room and never come out, Paris Hilton is releasing more music. Because remember how well it was received the first time around? The reality star turned (what is she even doing these days, honestly?) has a new song with Lil Wayne out called “Good Time,” which I’m sure is ironic. I could have listened to the song, but I was too busy enjoying my hearing.