Nervous breakdown: Oprah overwhelmed

People, and by people I mean the two who watched the 2013 Emmys, are going wild over Merritt Weaver’s acceptance speech. The actress, who won Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series for her role on “Nurse Jackie,” delivered a memorable speech last Sunday.

Weaver makes the quickest acceptance in Emmy history. (AP Photo)

Upon hearing her name, Weaver walked on stage and said, “Thank you…thank you so much…um, I gotta go. Bye.”

Perfection.

It’s so good that Miley Cyrus should tattoo it on her feet.

Some people criticized Weaver’s speech as being a mockery of her award. But, bitch please. Any award show is a mockery of an award. Weaver did us all a favor, grabbed the damn thing and made way. She didn’t want to waste time thanking her mother, Jesus and the guy at the Kraft Foods table who looked like Jesus if you squinted your eyes a little bit. I applaud Weaver on delivering, what I believe, was the best acceptance speech ever made.

Meanwhile in Bravo TV wasteland, Melissa Gorga, a “Real Housewives of New Jersey” cast member, has written a book called “Love Italian Style,” which explains why her marriage to her husband is so successful and how you, too, can land the meatball of your dreams. A lovely excerpt is as follows: “Men, I know you think your woman isn’t the type who wants to be taken. But trust me, she is. Every girl wants to get her hair pulled once in a while. If your wife says ‘no,’ turn her around and rip her clothes off. She wants to be dominated. Women don’t realize how easy men are. Just give us what we want.”

What many would define as rape is candidly tossed in a pot of ignorance, set to boil, by Ms. Gorga. Basically, forget about everything Susan B. Anthony worked for in the early 20th century. That hairy feminist just needed her hair pulled to be happy. So ladies, next time you say no, just remember, that just might not cut it. So in that event, you should cut it. Like Oprah almost did back in 2012.

Oh, you didn’t hear? Oprah Winfrey almost suffered a nervous breakdown, according to herself. Speaking to “Access Hollywood,” the TV mogul and Illuminati member revealed she had too much on her plate last year. Between her struggling network, OWN, and her acting career, Oprah realized she was doing too much. I mean, she probably forgot to feed Stedman. Oprah eventually reeled it back in and got everything under control, so don’t you worry. We won’t see her running through the streets naked (thank the Lord Almighty) or sniffing lines of coke off Lindsay Lohan’s mugshots. Now, Oprah is getting just the right amount of stimulation. And Gayle rejoiced.