Affleck: Gotham’s hero

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Oh no, it’s just Ben Affleck piggybacking on Matt Damon.

Fueling the fire of many, Affleck is the next Batman. (AP Photo)

The Academy Award winner and star of hit films like “Gigli,” is donning the Caped Crusader’s gear as the next star to portray the superhero. And a lot of people are not amused. Shortly after Warner Brothers announced Affleck’s role as Batman in the next Superman film, the world went up in smoke. There was even a time that the hashtag “BetterBatmanThanBenAffleck” trended on Twitter. Honestly, if you ask me, Ben Affleck’s beard would make a great Batman. After all, the man tangled with one of the greatest villains in reality: Jennifer Lopez. I’m sure he can handle himself.

We have much darker issues to worry about anyway. Like the Miley Cyrus performance at the VMAs where she twerked against a bunch of stuffed bears. Listen honey, the last time a teddy got that nasty was in “Toy Story 3” and that did not end well. I mean, there was more bear and ass I than a Charmin commercial! Please, do not mistake my disdain for slut shaming. There is a way a woman can show her body in a sexy fashion and still be classy. Miley Cyrus failed to do that. Her performance was raunchy and crude at best. She should have taken a lesson from none other than Miss Britney Spears. Spears was and some may argue (I may argue) still is a pioneer in the art of sensual performing. She skipped sticking out her tongue and shoving a foam finger in between her legs. Do not even dare try to say Britney’s 2001 VMA performance was anything but the best. She not only made it clear she was the HBIC, but she also turned a lot of us into reptile enthusiasts.

What better way to end this column than with exciting sex tape news? This one will not come as a surprise. Kris and Bruce Jenner apparently made such a film, much to the horror of humanity. Honest to God, this family has made more sex tapes than wedding videos. So hang around Google for the next few weeks because I’m sure it’ll turn up. Because if the Kardashian family is good at anything, it’s leaking.