Reese Witherspoon is legally intoxicated

By Johnanthony Alaimo

Columnist


Here’s a headline you didn’t expect to see! “Eggs, milk, sack of potatoes, 10 boxes of hot pockets.” Whoops, accidentally copy-pasted my grocery list. Let’s try this again. “Reese Witherspoon arrested for disorderly conduct after traffic stop.”

Ms. Sweet Home Alabama isn't all that sweet (AP Photo)

Shocking. I can’t believe it. How could you stoop so low Reese and copy Amanda Bynes? Can’t you have your own identity without infringing on one of our most beloved national products? Amanda has worked so, so hard on her mental breakdown. She doesn’t need you flying down an interstate topless. She’s got that base covered.

In the police report, it states that a vehicle was spotted driving erratically on a road in Atlanta. When stopped, Reese’s husband James Toth was behind the wheel and while the cops were doing a sobriety test on him, Reese went nuts. When she was being cuffed, she allegedly yelled, “Do you know who I am?”

Well, yes, Ms. Witherspoon, we do know who you are. A DIRTY, ROTTEN COPYCAT! I rest my case.

But open up the monkey court because we have a case of chimp abandonment. Remember when Justin Bieber left his monkey in Germany and promised he would come back to retrieve her?

Well, turns out Justin is not coming back. Ever. Justin’s handlers have told German officials to just find a new home for Mally, as the monkey is called.

Um, what? You can’t just leave a monkey behind, Justin! That’s like the Kardashians leaving behind Khloe! You are dealing with a living, breathing animal, not a toy. This is not a Furby, you twit! Karl Heinz Joachim, head of the center where Mally is staying, said that this is actually for the best for Mally, as being on a world tour is no place for a primate. Mally needs to be swinging from the trees, not keeping an eye out for Selener.

Oh, finally, a story not about Justin Bieber. Oops, sorry that was a typo and a lapse of sanity on my part because this is, in fact, another addition of Justin Bieber’s public meltdown.

While in Stockholm, Sweden, Bieber’s tour bus was searched and a small amount of narcotics and a taser were found. No, no, no, Bieber! You were supposed to go Nordic, not narcotic. While the materials were confiscated, nobody is being charged with possession since the bus was empty at the time of the search.

(I apologize for my column constantly featuring Bieber antics. I just can’t resist. God knows what this delinquent will do next. Probably next week he’ll be caught poaching.)

Jessica Simpson Baby Watch!!!: Jessica has asked Jesus to take the pregnancy wheel.