A Spears goes missing

I’m going to be frank with all of you. The first CD I ever purchased was the debut album of the “Baha Men.” I thought a gang of Jamaican men singing about dogs would finally elevate me to cool status in elementary school. (It didn’t.) Anyway, I have a point to all this. The love of my life/cracked pistachio nut that is Britney Spears has run into a slight problem. No, not a wall! She’s good in that department. Unfortunately, it’s about her dog. No, K-Fed is fine. It’s about her canine companion. If you haven’t been following Britney lately (which why would you, following her would be a slow-ass crawl), but the Pop Princess herself recently got a dog and named it Hannah Spears. Awwww! Why anyone would trust Britney to take care of something that sleeps and poops as much as her is absolutely beyond me. But I’m not here to judge. I’m here to be a good Samaritan.

You see, Britney is sad to report that Hannah Spears is MISSING. A rep for the singer said, “Hannah means the world to Britney. If we can get the word out hopefully she’ll turn up healthy and safe.”  HURRY, PUT HER PICTURE UP ON EVERY CHEETO BAG IN THE L.A. AREA. Britney, who was in Louisiana celebrating Easter/probably hunting the Easter Bunny, cut her trip short to go back home to join the search. So please, if you can, keep a lookout for Hannah Spears. Britney has already lost her hair and mind. Do not add a dog to the list. I don’t know about you, but I think Mandy Moore is responsible. Where has that bitch been? I demand answers!

In other animal news, Justin Bieber’s monkey was confiscated in Germany. What sounds like an awful Mad Lib is actually true. The singer’s hairy friend was confiscated at a German airport after Bieber failed to present the proper papers. How immature. Justin, if you want to be taken as a serious artist, you need to carry your monkey papers with you at all times! You never see Justin Timberlake have this problem, geez. Whether Bieber will get the monkey back is unknown, but hey Germany, I know a certain Pop Princess who is in need of some company…

Bieber’s fans have gone ape over this monkey business. (AP Photo)

Keeping with this week’s apparent animal theme, new details have emerged about Lindsay Lohan’s impoundment, I mean, her rehab lockdown. Apparently, Lindsay only agreed to do 90 days of rehab if she was allowed to take her stash of Adderall with her because of her apparent “ADHD diagnosis.” Guess what. The court agreed! So Lindsay is going to rehab to take as many drugs as she wants. Are you sure she was at court and not at a SANDALS travel agency? This does not sound very kosher to me! Isn’t the point of rehab to be totally substance free? She shouldn’t even have glue around her. You might as well lock her up in the back of a CVS pharmacy if this is the case.

Jessica Simpson Baby Watch!: Jessica has released a statement declaring, “Nobody will ever confiscate my baby.”