By Girl Fieri
“Shaun” is a girl’s name….duh.
In the past, I’ve traveled to some exotic locales in order to find the best eateries for our more culinary-inclined readers. Once I even traveled to Trenton. Trenton! I even had to cross a bridge, kind of. Christ, I do a lot for you people.
Despite my efforts to think outside the box, I’m constantly undermined by a certain gastronomic philistine here at The Singal who insists that I start choosing places a little closer to the College. (His name rhymes with Rendan McBrath. For those of you who can’t figure it out, it’s Brendan McGrath. Fuck you, Brendan, you are the worst.)
So, in order to appease our Editor-in-Chief and his undeveloped palate, I’m going to do exactly what he asked. I’m going to do a food review of somewhere much closer to home. Get ready, dear readers: we’re reviewing the contents of The Singal’s refrigerator.
Although I can often take it or leave it, I understand that, for many, atmosphere is an important part of the dining experience. And, if I do say so myself, The Singal basement has roughly a shit ton of ambience. Nothing quite gets the mouth watering and the tummy rumbling like a walk down the Stud stairs in order to get to the basement. Is that rust or blood dripping from the ceiling over the exit? I can never tell, but nothing gets me hungry quite like fear. And, thanks to the fact that we have no windows, there’s a lack of fresh air and natural light. It’s like dining in a wine cellar, but with less wine and more asbestos. That kind of thing is very hip right now.
Plus, The Singal office has plenty of seating! No reason for long waits when you can choose from any number of rolling computer chairs. Also, the couch is fairly new, which means it contains way less chlamydia than our old one. The Singal: (Mostly) Disease Free Dining!
Now, dear readers, we come to the most important part of any review: the food itself. Our refrigerator never lacks an abundance of choices for the adventurous foodie. As an appetizer, may I suggest tasting from the clear tupperware container full of soup or noodles or spaghetti or something? I’m not sure what it is, actually; I think Brendan brings it from home, so God only knows what’s in there. It’s some kind of noodle thing, just go with it; the sophisticated diner doesn’t fear the unknown.
For the main course, we have two exciting options, both wrapped in tinfoil and slightly squished. I think the really flat square one is a sandwich; that’s probably gross, don’t choose that one. I would recommend the burrito-looking thing. It’s been in there for roughly two weeks, but maybe it ages well, like a fine wine. Plus, I think there’s cheese in there, and do you know what you get when cheese goes bad? Blue cheese (sometimes), and blue cheese can be crazy expensive. So there’s like a 12 percent chance that you might be getting rare, pricey moldy cheese instead of just regular moldy cheese. What a steal! (Really though, Chris Rightmire, stop leaving shit in the fridge. It’s starting to smell weird.)
The half-empty Naked Juice at the very back of the fridge would pair nicely with the meal. Are those chunky parts backwash or has it just been sitting there so long that all of its components are starting to separate? Who knows! The mystery is half the fun!
I really can’t recommend The Singal basement highly enough. It’s the hidden gem of the College! (Ed. note: the cheese was not blue cheese. Not even close. In retrospect, I maybe should have gone with the flattened sandwich thing.)