College newspaper wrought by sectarian strife

By Richard “Little Dick” the Lion

“Mane”-aging Editor

Renowned New York Times journalist Maureen Dowd recently opined, “Journalism, spooked by rumors of its own obsolescence, has stopped believing in itself.” The Singal, far from falling off of the face of the Earth, is wracked by an existential crisis that threatens to tear apart the fabric that holds the paper in such a delicate balance. With the staff evenly split between North and South Jersey (with a few staunch Central Jersey-ites), production meetings are wracked by sectarian fighting. North and south Jerseyans, constantly at odds over the quality of pizza and bagels and quantity of beaches, are in agreement over one issue: Central Jersey doesn’t exist.

The Singal staff is always hard at work, though Tom is usually too busy being right. (Brain Krump / Bad Kid)

As Amy Reynolds, sophomore meteorology and quantum mechanics double major, explains, “Central Jersey doesn’t exist, it all depends on what sports team you root for.” Discounting Mets fans, who live in the state of Denial, this analogy is useful for explaining the divisions, but only to a point, as Central Jersey goes for North Jersey teams but maintains distinctly South Jersey qualities. For example, Central Jersey regards “pork roll” as just that.

Chris Rightmire, a junior potions major, retorted, “I’m like a Taylor …  I’m going ham every day,” to cheering from among the staff members, but with much consternation from the South Jersey crowd.

Mike Herold, junior pizzology major, notes, “A South Jersey town was named the ‘Best Place to Live in America’ in 2005. That obviously means that we’re way better than everywhere else. North Jersey can suck it.”

This prompted a retort of choice words. “We don’t house the governor, so South Jersey has to suck it in,” weighed in Tom Kozlowski, a freshman gynecology major.

It is quite clear that Central Jersey is the only region that will not be sucking it. With its combination of beaches, Wawa, correct pronunciation of the food known as “pork roll,” quality Italian cuisine and mafia connections, Central Jersey remains the best of both worlds.

But perhaps the distinction is not quite so clear. North Jerseyans, never ones who know when to stop talking, have a certain way of imposing falsehoods, but making themselves very loud and clear about doing so.

Brendan McGrath, a senior conflict-resolution major and NCAA bracket consultant, opted for the last word. “As a civilized person from the intellectual part of the state, I find it difficult to work with such savage individuals. But us northerners have learned how to deal with them, and overcome their barbaric ways.”