Off campus? Off the hook

When people think of living at college — the actual living part, not campus life or adventures — they generally come up with tiny little rooms which seem more fitting for mental patients or prisoners than they do the generation poised to take control of the world in a few short years.

College dorms are notorious for a lot of things, like whatever shut down Cromwell. They are, by many accounts, the worst part about going to this glorious four year joy ride we call higher education (except for maybe those annoying classes).

But what if there was another way? A way of living that was, for lack of a better phrase, just as glorious a joy ride as the rest of college?

Well, ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, I’m here today to tell you that there is. It’s called living off campus, and I am now going to speak on its behalf. And by that, I clearly mean wax poetically about everything that’s great about the way I’ve chosen to live while quietly mocking those who have not made the same choice. Here we go.

The biggest advantage to off campus living is in the freedom of it. In my house, we don’t need to worry about RA’s or CA’s or Campus Police or the people on the floors above and below. We come and go as we please, without having to sign in or remember our ID cards (if we forget our keys, we knock, which is much easier than waiting around for someone else to show up and much quicker than calling a friend upstairs).

If we also want to stay out until three in the morning, we do so without fear of being judged or having to manage our evening stupors long enough to successfully communicate who we are to the door guard.

The next advantage is also a biggie: money. Off campus is generally cheaper than the alternative, or so people a lot better than me at math have told me (That is, anyone who can do math and does not believe that geometry is the root of all evil).

You’re not convinced yet, I can tell. OK, next point: we’ve got cooler stuff. Not many on-campus living spaces I know have a giant flat screen, a foosball table, incredibly comfy couches and a Christmas tree that stays up year-round. Not to mention our full kitchen, including dishwasher, or our “only-four-people-ever-use-this-and-we’re-all-friends-and-nice-to-each-other” washer and dryer.

Plus, I know that there was very recently a contest for best dorm on campus, and let me tell you, my one roommate’s room (he, like all of them, shall remain nameless) would have KILLED it. Why? Because we have the freedom to do whatever we want with our rooms, unlike you on-campus livers.

Now, I know the biggest knocks of off-campus life: travel time and not having insta-bonds with our dorm floor. As to travel time, I’ll admit, there’s a bit more of it for us. But it’s maybe a minute or two for those of us within two blocks of campus, since we travel mostly by car. And as far as friends are concerned, I’ve grown much closer with my roommates than I’ve heard any of my on-campus friends have done with theirs. I’m talking worlds of difference here.

So, now convinced reader who still has the burden of being an on-campuser, I offer you this: move off campus. We’d be happy to have you, and there’s plenty of room. So long as you agree with me and admit it’s better.