Lohan gets glittered

Not a day goes by when I’m not covered in glitter. So I’m glad Lindsay Lohan was able to experience the glow. The troubled star/tired drug mule hobbled into court last week to negotiate a sentence relating to her car crash incident last year when she forgot a highway was for driving and not bumper cars. Of course, being Lindsay Lohan, she showed up 45 minutes late. Like, is she on time for anything? If Lindsay ever got pregnant, I swear she would show up late to the birth and her child would be like, “Where the hell have you been?” Why is it so hard to be prompt? All you have to do is survive the night and get up the next day. Anyway, as Lindsay was entering the court, someone glitter bombed her, which, for all you glitter novices, means someone threw a bag full of glitter over her head. Listen honey, that’s the closest you’ll get to gold so RELISH IT. Think of it as a pulverized Oscar. Once inside, Lindsay negotiated a settlement with the case, agreeing to go to 90 days of rehab. Stay tuned for “Around the Rehab in 90 Days” starring Lindsay Lohan, coming to court documents near you this summer.

In diva news, Beyoncé has a new song! Literally drop this newspaper right now and go listen to it. I’ll wait here.

Ok, you’re back. WAS IT NOT AMAZING??? It has just the right amount of funk and spice which is what I love in classic Beyoncé. The song as you now know is called “Bow Down/Been On Me.” People, this is not just a song. This is a coup. Things are changing around here! Beyoncé is now our new overlord so please give up Michelle Williams’s location immediately. Queen B needs a leg rest.

Take your shirt off, not a break. (AP Photo)

Speaking of resting, Ryan Gosling has decided he is taking a “break” from acting. Gosling stated, “I’ve been doing it too much. I’ve lost perspective on what I’m doing. I think it’s good for me to take a break and reassess why I’m doing it and how I’m doing it. And I think this is probably a good way to learn about that. I need a break from myself as much as I imagine the audience does.” STOP EVERYTHING. Who in the goddamn world told Ryan Gosling we need a break from him. I didn’t. Did you? You did, didn’t you? And you did this to me after I told you about Beyoncé’s new song? How dare you?!?!

Ok, let’s all calm down. This has to be some sort of misunderstanding. Ryan, please, come over here and sit down with me for a second. The only thing you need a break from is that oppressive shirt. Free yourself and all will be right with the world.

Jessica Simpson Baby Watch!: Jessica is releasing a new remix of her hit single, “With You.” Here’s a snippet: “With nothing but a mumu on/I’ve never felt so bowling ball/baby as I do now.”