Beloved ‘Arrested Development’ will not return

Producers of the cult classic “Arrested Development” announced this past Wednesday that new episodes were not actually being produced. The announcement comes over a month before the show is set to debut on Netflix, following an Oct. 2 announcement that the show would be revived.

Creator Mitch Hurwitz, when reached for comment, said, “Wait, did people think that we were actually serious? We’ve literally been joking about this for six years.” Disappointment was rife throughout the fan community, where many planned on skipping work and school to stream the new season in one sitting.

Jason Bateman, known for playing the protagonist Michael Bluth on the show, confirmed the news.

Producers are making a huge mistake by feeding viewers illusions of sitcom return. (AP Photo)

“Yeah, to be honest, nobody was really watching the show and the whole cast got really addicted to ‘LOST,’ so we thought it was a good time to end it. I mean, how could you compete with that?” he said.

He also cited other actors’ busy schedules. Michael Cera, known for his abilities as a versatile actor, was so busy with current projects that he turned town a role as Abraham Lincoln in the Academy Award-winning epic “Lincoln.” Will Arnett, who portrayed GOB on the show, was recently cast in the Nicolas Cage biopic “UnCaged.” Similarly, Franklin Delano Bluth was cast as a stunt double in “Michael Jackson’s ‘This Is It.’”

Felidia Featherbottom, a senior analysis and therapy double major at the College, lamented that, “When I heard that they weren’t making a fourth season, I blue myself. Where I come from in England, we’d call this a real ‘banger in the mouth,’ though I guess here in the States, they call it a ‘pain in the neck.’”

“Arrested Development,” while not finding high ratings during its run on television, received tremendous critical acclaim and popularity following its cancellation.
Also starring Charlie Sheen and Steve Carrell, the show revolved around the exploits of a group of friends living in New York City.

The onset of the Iraq War and a brewing ice-cream sandwich scandal send the friends to California, where they adopt a boy who’s in an incestuous relationship with his cousin.

They then travel through the universe on board the TARDIS, encountering such characters as Dr. John Watson and Sherlock Holmes, who appeared as Bilbo Baggins and Benedict Cumberbatch (respectively) in cameos.

The show was known for its many inside jokes and hidden references. For example, Bruce Willis’s character, Dr. Malcolm Crowe, was indeed dead the entire time.
In one episode, the character of Tobias Fünke, played by an impeccable Kevin Spacey, was revealed to be Keyser Söze.

With enough Freudian symbolism to make Alfred Hitchcock blush, the show’s twists and turns involve Oedipal conflicts, incest and ambiguous sexuality, which frequently left audiences uncomfortable and mildly aroused.

Wayne Jarvis, a lawyer for Netflix, noted rather seriously that, “Seriously, this show isn’t airing. It’s called the PATRIOT Act. Read it.”