Kim makes a new friend

What’s red, black and ass all over? Kim Kardashian, sillies! One of Kim’s elusive beauty secrets has finally been revealed! Turns out, she loves injecting blood into her face! No, you read that right. KIM KARDASHIAN IS A FUCKING GHOUL.

From Wikipedia: “The Vampire Facelift is the trademarked name for a non-surgical cosmetic procedure involving the reinjection of a gel-like substance — platelet rich fibrin matrix (PRFM) — derived from a patient’s own blood back into multiple areas of the skin of their face in an effort to treat wrinkles and ‘rejuvenate’ the face.”

Ohhhh, well when you put it that way … IT’S NUTS. Gurl, go buy some Olay, not Type A! The entire procedure costs $1,000. What are you doing? This just goes to show that the beauty industry has lost its goddamn mind. What happened to appreciating the natural woman? For shame, witch lady.

Speaking of witch, witchever (yes I mean that) teenage witch put a curse on Justin Bieber, stop it! Give the boy a break! First he has an awful birthday, he passes out, has a Twitter feud, cancels one of his shows AND NOW HIS HAMSTER DIED. What’s next? Is his Capri Sun going to explode?

First off, who let Bieber have a hamster? Can’t we start him off with a Tamagotchi? A hamster is a lot of responsibility. That’s why he broke up with Selena! It was too much.

Word of advice, Justin: DO NOT BURY YOUR HAMSTER IN THE PET CEMETARY. Once it’s dead, it should stay dead. Think of your hamster like Jewel. Nobody wants her to come back.

And just like Bieber’s hamster, Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus are no more! Apparently, the two have called off their engagement and called it quits. A source leaking to the New York Post claimed that Miley was too much of a party girl and Liam couldn’t deal with it anymore. Well, that and maybe he finally discovered that Miley was really just a cockatoo in disguise. Either way, Liam is back in Australia and Miley is probably sobbing in an Outback Steakhouse.

But someone whose whereabouts you usually don’t hear much about is Dennis Rodman. The former basketball star and current basket case star is jetting around the world and ending up at places he doesn’t belong. Like, for example, the dude was in North Korea chatting

North Korea: where even the free throws aren’t free. (AP Photo)

it up with dictator Kim Jong-un. After the trip, Rodman said he was his “friend.” Bitch, he ain’t your friend! A friend doesn’t let his other friend starve millons of people to death. Rodman continued his Around the World in Crazy Days tour when he ended up in Rome during the picking of the next pope, where he offered his prediction of who the next pope would be. EXCUSE ME DENNIS RODMAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHO IS LISTENING TO YOU WHO ARE YOU.

Listen, this has been a difficult week and I need to go plan a hamster funeral so if you would excuse me, I’m going to have to leave you with all this bullshit. Baiiiii!!!

Jessica Simpson Baby Watch!: Jessica turned down an offer to be pope as she has enough on her plate and placenta.