Hollywood celebrates, Perez Hilton procreates

In case you accidentally did something fun last week, you missed the 85th Academy Awards AKA the Oscars AKA The Annual Rich People Drinking Together Social.

The event this time around was hosted by Seth MacFarlane, who surprisingly was not accompanied by an animated talking animal for once. The entire time I felt like I was watching a mediocre episode of “Family Guy” and kept waiting to see MacFarlane comically crash into a closet and crumple on the floor.

MacFarlane refuses to be upstaged by Hathaway’s nipples. (AP Photo)

A quick rundown of the highlights! Anne Hathaway decided nipples were an accessory and showed them off on the Red Carpet, Adele reminded us that she is a winner and you’re a loser, and Jennifer Lawrence fell on stage while accepting the award for Best Actress. She volunteered as tribute and TRIPute! I will show myself out of this column for writing that pun.

A quick scandal erupted during Oscar night when the popular satire publication, The Onion, tweeted about the nine-year-old Best Actress nominee Quvenzhane Wallis, calling her the “c-word.” The full text of the tweet read, “Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhane Wallis is kind of a (c-word), right?”

WHOA NOW. That is not what the “c” in Hi-C stands for! The only “c-word” Quevenzhane should be called is “child.” The Onion has since retracted the tweet and published a full-length apology. Now, I probably have the best sense of humor around, but there is no excuse for degrading a little girl in this manner. Funny is telling Kristen Stewart that the only thing she aced this year is her foot bandage. Not sexualizing an innocent girl.

And in a really “meta” piece of news, the gossiping blogger has become the gossiped. Perez Hilton is now a father. The Internet sensation announced the news that he is now the dad to a baby boy, without disclosing any other details. I can’t wait until the little boy takes his first steps, says his first words, and makes his first crudely drawn jizz picture. Like father, like blogger.

And to top it all off, Nicki Minaj is claiming that she has never had any surgery on her face. And I quote, “I’ve never had surgery on my face. They’ll see contour and they’ll think you had surgery on your nose. No, no, no, look at RuPaul’s Drag Race and you’ll see how you can make your nose look any shape you want. When people see my makeup, they think all types of crazy things that I’m doing to my skin, but it’s makeup.”

Who in the hell are you trying to trick? You have more plastic in your face than a Tupperware container. Listen Nicki, there is nothing wrong with getting some cosmetic work done. It’s the only good work you’ve ever done.

Jessica Simpson Baby Watch!: Jessica has started charging her unborn child rent.