Nicholas Cage still crazy

Does Britney Spears have a new man? That’s what the latest reports are seeming to suggest. The unbalanced pop star was rumored to have been out with a new guy on Valentine’s Day. Apparently, a source revealed that they were set up by mutual friends.

Wait, hold on a minute. Cheetos don’t talk. Who are Britney’s friends??? I demand an inquiry! Listen, let’s not jump to conclusions. For all we know, this “boyfriend” is really just a man Brit hired to carry an extra Frappuccino around in case of emergencies. A girl has gotta have her whip ready.

In some macabre news, Nicholas Cage has purchased a pyramid to be buried in a New Orleans cemetery. Hm, strange. I always thought he was a trapezoid kind of guy, but hey! Cage wishes everyone to leave their favorite film of his at his gravesite. So hurry up and snatch all the copies of “The Wicker Man” you can get!

Buying a pyramid isn’t even one of Cage’s top ten worst decisions. (AP Photo)

As you’re at Target filling up your cart with Nicholas Cage novelties, prepare to buy some baby clothes! Fergie is pregnant everyone! HEY MAMMA. Now are we sure it isn’t just Taboo hiding up there? But apparently it’s true. Fergie and her husband Josh Duhamel are expecting their first child together. Fergie’s due date is expected to be less than the usual nine months because as soon as the baby hears The Black Eyed Peas it’s peacing on out of there.

Moving on, do you know that old saying, “Don’t let Lindsay Lohan borrow a dress.” Well, let me remind you. “Don’t let Lindsay Lohan borrow a dress.” The former human being was allowed to wear a $1,750 dress to an event. What event? A probation hearing? WHO IS INVITING LINDSAY TO PLACES. Wasn’t she just barred from every high school party last week? Anyway, after she was done giving the dress a swirly, Lindsay returned it in complete tatters. Apparently, she ripped it at a club and “modified” it for repairs. What club? Club Penguin? Didn’t they ban her from the servers last week?

I’d like to do something different this week to close my column: TALKING TO YOU! Yes, my avid readers. If you would like to shoot me a comment (i.e. hate mail) or request a specific story for me to cover, please do not hesitate to ask! E-mail me at alaimoj1@tcnj.edu and if it isn’t sent to the spam folder, I’ll check it out! I do this all for people like you. Because without you, I’d just be a kid talking to himself (which I promised not to do after my senior year of high school). Love you all!

Jessica Simpson Baby Watch: Jessica has challenged Fergie to a belly jousting! Oh my!