Chris Brown paints feelings, still a jerk

I’m a weekly column now! Which means I’m coming to you just as often as heartburn!

In other unfortunate news, Chris Brown has reportedly assaulted Frank Ocean. Ummmm, can Brown be neutered already? Bitch is always in heat and needs to calm down.

Apparently, Brown and Ocean’s crews had an altercation in a parking lot when Brown tried shaking Ocean’s hand and Ocean laughed and refused, which caused Brown to attack. The next day Brown instagrammed a picture of a crucified Jesus with the caption, “Painting the way I feel today. Focus on what matters.”

IS THIS MAN INSANE? First off, you ain’t no Bob Ross so put that damn easel down. Secondly, I’m pretty sure when I eat the body of Christ during Communion, it isn’t your stank ass going in there too. You ain’t Jesus! You ain’t even Prince. People are not “crucifying you” for no reason. You are literally a violent and temperamental individual who needs to take some responsibility for his actions.

That aside, Ocean wants to press charges against Brown, who, mind you, is still on probation for his assault of Rihanna. So this could get serious quick. I’m sure many attempted to reach Rihanna for comment, but she’s probably too busy painting a picture of the Whore of Babylon. You know, “Painting the way I feel today!” If Brown doesn’t get arrested and thrown in jail, he’ll star in the film “Anger Management 2,” in which he punches Adam Sandler for two hours.

While Chris Brown wrestles with the law, Beyoncé was busy making the laws. The superstar singer, who performed at the Superbowl halftime show, reportedly made outrageous demands, including wanting her daughter’s room to be kept at 26 degrees Celsius. I don’t even know what that means!

Are these the crazy eyes of a diva? Probably. All bow before the insane demands of Queen B. (Photo courtesy of Beyoncé)

The reports were heavily disputed and the NFL denied that Beyoncé was being a diva at all. Beyoncé’s public image has taken more bruising than Frank Ocean has in the past week. Regardless, Queen B’s performance was great.

Speaking of divas, Sarah Palin has left her job at Fox News!  Glad she knows how to hang on to things. The failed vice-presidential candidate parted ways with the network where she was a contributor. A contributor of what, I have no damn idea. Venison?

Now that Sarah is unemployed, I’m sure she’ll do something worthwhile with her life. Maybe pet a moose. Maybe shoot it. Maybe secure a seat in politics. Maybe secure a seat at IHOP during the breakfast rush. (Do they have those in Alaska?) I don’t know, I don’t run her life. Whatever Sarah Palin may do, hopefully it’s nowhere near where I could see her. Unless it’s a Lenscrafters commercial. Love those specs, gurl!

P.S. Jessica Simpson is still pregnant and probably will be for the remainder of your life. She is literally Joe Swanson’s wife from “Family Guy.”