Ladies and Gentleman of the NBA world, I have gathered you here today to speak of our great and undying leader, Master — I mean Mister, slip of the tongue there — David Stern. You see, there have been some rumblings out there recently that he isn’t all-wonderful and all-knowing, and I would like to tell you that they are all wrong.
Clearly, I am here mostly to address the recent acts of insubordination — I mean, the recent controversy regarding the San Antonio Spurs. Now, I know that the Spurs’ players are older and prone to injury and that resting their stars for the final game of a grueling road trip may sound like a reasonable course of action.
I also know that there are no set rules against this type of obscene and unacceptable behavior, but Master — Mister — Stern has assured me that there are precedents for the $250,000 fine he punished those scoundrels with. I mean, he righteously reprimanded the Spurs organization. I was not able to find any specifics examples, but I didn’t look into the secret “How to Fine Mark Cuban 365 Different Ways a Year” folder that Master — Mister — Stern keeps under his desk. That’s probably where they are.
Personally, I think this issue should now be laid to rest. The wicked have received their just reward, and the Emperor — I mean Commissioner — was kind and generous enough to not directly punish the Spurs’ head coach, Gregg Popovich, or the players who dared to cross the Almighty Stern.
Is it hot in here? Is anyone else feeling warm? Maybe we could turn up the AC a little, really get some air circulating in this room.
Well, moving along here, there have also been some other blatant acts of blasphemy recently. I mean, silly rumors, obviously. For example, Rajon Rondo and the Celtics have been complaining about his two-game suspension for getting into a push-fight with the Nets’ Kris Humphries. Rondo should feel grateful that the Merciful Emperor — commissioner — gave him so lenient a slap on the wrist for daring to engage Attention Grabber No. 6. Oops, sorry, another slip of the tongue there, I obviously mean Hump.
Listen, people, here’s my point. Our Majestic Ruler — I mean commissioner — Stern is never wrong. He never makes mistakes, overreacts for publicity or does anything else that could possibly be anything but perfect.
He is also not a dictator, I have no idea where those rumors came from. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take a long vacation now. Please remark in your press releases that I have been loyal to Master — mister — Stern for many years.
In conclusion, the NBA stands by David Stern’s decision to fine the San Antonio Spurs $250,000 for legally resting their players during a road trip. Thank you.