So this week, I’ve decided to cover a story that is so monumentally shocking that I think you should go to IKEA and specifically buy a chair to sit down in while reading this. (You’ll be assembling that chair for a few days, but this story is timeless so it’s OK.)
Folks, I have some heartbreaking news. Cole Sprouse of “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody” fame is completely, absolutely, without a doubt, clinically INSANE. Like not even whacky Britney Spears insane or fun Gary Busey insane. Like, “Put This Guy in a Cabin in the Woods” insane.
I’m sure most of you are aware of what tumblr is, especially if you’re lonely like me. Tumblr is usually filled with food porn, porn or porn food, which I will not explain. However, one fateful night, I stumbled on Cole Sprouse’s tumblr. Now, I’m sure I was one of many who forgot about Cole Sprouse, like most Disney TV stars. Like I assume Miranda from “Lizzie McGuire” is babysitting Hilary Duff’s baby and Raven’s brother from “That’s So Raven” is wishing he was Hilary Duff’s baby. But alas, Cole Sprouse has never crossed my mind. Lo and behold, I was suddenly thrust into the nightmare world that is Cole Sprouse’s mind.
Turns out, the dude goes to NYU now. Good for him, pursuing an education and not going the way of other child celebrities. I mean, the world has enough Gary Coleman. Even Gary Coleman was too much Gary Coleman. But Cole is being responsible.
Though, a simple look at his page told me something was off. Especially when I came across his little cute post about eating a duck fetus, I mean WHAT OMFG HE ATE A DUCK FETUS LIKE A. DUCK. FETUS. BABY WAT.
Yeah. Remember that “Suite Life” episode when Cody has to run a daycare center, well IT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE HE ATE A DUCK FETUS.
He wants us all to be adventurous eaters. Like, ok, I’ll try eggs with ketchup, NOT A DUCK FETUS.
I think I exhausted my caps lock use and the phrase “duck fetus” for a year. But can someone, anyone, please check up on him? Like Mayor Bloomberg, man, I understand the weather needs your attention, but can you just send a small team for a simple monitoring? The guy talks as if he is an existential ghost from the future. Or he’s constantly blazed out of his fucking mind.
Oh, other question, WHERE IS DYLAN? (Damn, caps lock again.) Dylan Sprouse, are you just going to let this happen to your twin? Is anyone listening? This is a cry for help.
So there you go folks. A lot is happening and now that we know Cole Sprouse is out of his damn mind, I hope your life has changed. Go out there and do something. Tell your parents. Tell your neighbor. Tell that cat you always see on the way home. Awareness spreads action.
This makes me all wonder something too. What do you think Ricky Ullman of “Phil of the Future” is doing right now?