Rihanna and Chris Brown caught ‘canoodling’

By Johnanthony Alaimo
Columnist

Big Bird has been getting a lot of attention ever since last Wednesday's debate. (AP Photo)

Now I know talking about the debates may seem out of character for me, but it involves the biggest celebrity of our time: Big Bird.

Last week, GOP hopeful Mitt Romney promised he would cut government funding to PBS since it is not an “essential” government expense. “Sesame Street” reps said that without government funds, the show would go off the air. How will kids learn to count? I guess they could count the number of teeth a guest has on the “Jerry Springer Show,” but then they’ll never learn what comes after 11.

This is absolutely dreadful to hear. PBS accounts for a miniscule amount of government spending. I’m sure Mitt spends more on bronzer.

“Sesame Street” is a beloved childhood necessity. How could Romney think that by bulldozing it, he’ll be helping America? Leave these beloved characters alone. They already have one hand up their ass — they don’t need yours too, Mitt!

Sorry for that little diatribe. I had to get it out of my system. Now let’s move on to less important stuff.

So apparently, Rihanna was caught “canoodling” with Chris Brown. Now unless that’s slang for a new wrestling move, I’m appalled. Why is Rihanna doing this?

Apparently, last Monday in NYC, Rihanna and Chris attended Griffin nightclub in the Meatpacking District. Before anyone could even yell out “SOS,” Chris and Rihanna were sharing a table. Now, RiRi should have pulled a Rose and shoved that jackass into the water, but instead they decided to get all up in each other and DISAPPEAR INTO THE BATHROOM TOGETHER FOR 20 MINUTES. Now I know what they did was anything BUT charmin’.

While Chris and Rihanna left the club at different times, they were seen leaving the same hotel later that night. Plus, on Tuesday afternoon, Chris sent his girlfriend, Karrueche Tran, roses, a teddy and chocolates.

Is that what passes as “I’m sorry” now? Wow, I didn’t realize Build-A-Bear got into the adultery business. Chris, stop stuffing bears and definitely stop stuffing Rihanna. To make matters even more muddy, Chris has since broken up with Karrueche to focus on his “friendship” with Rihanna. Chris is not the greatest multi-tasker it seems. Honestly, this relationship is so fucked up that Taylor Swift would write a song about it.

Finally, let’s revisit our favorite judges table. Oh, look out, Nicki has a gun! Wait, that’s not a gun, she’s just pouting her lips. Anyway, things are heating up at “American Idol” and it’s not pizza rolls, so calm down Randy Jackson. A video shows Mariah and Nicki having an intense verbal altercation. Apparently, Nicki was pissed over Mariah’s divaness because Mariah was probably complaining that she couldn’t wheel an ice cream cart around.

But honestly, I’m coming down on Mariah’s side. I mean, how would you feel if a piece of cotton candy yelled at you? What kind of state fair is this? Obviously, the producers are worried that Nicki and Mariah’s “feud” will interfere with the show. I’m just hoping that both these bitches get it together and act professionally. Looking for America’s next dollar store bin star is serious business.