By Hank Haney
Bitch-ass golf rat
Three weeks ago, Student Gubernatorial Decision Making Board International voted not to acknowledge the TUNJ Golf Club, a move which didn’t sit well with its members.
“We showed up with a bullet-proof proposal, spilled our hearts out and all we got back was a gallon of haterade,” said senior Adam Sandler major and team captain Nietsnetig Arabrab.
The club was told that they “would not utilize or benefit facilities at the University,” according to an article in The Singal. In response to these comments, Arabrab devised a plan to prove SG wrong by playing a round of 18 holes on the College’s campus this past Sunday.
“They said we wouldn’t use the facilities, well they were dead wrong,” Arabrab said. “This campus has everything we need — water hazards, sand traps, woods and plenty of green.”
The day’s round kicked off when Arabrab launched a tee shot off one of the University’s infamous Balls. The inaugural shot flew toward Ickhoff Hall, landing smack dab in the middle of one student’s vegetarian chili.
“I was just sitting there minding my own damn business man, when all of a sudden I hear this clang and felt a steaming bowl of chili on my chest,” said senior bowling major Jeffrey Lebowski. “The splash ruined my shirt, and it really tied the outfit together man.”
Things got interesting again on the ninth green when sophomore business major Ty Webb sent a well-struck putt toward the hole. The shot was on its way when all a sudden it was snatched up by Dean Rufkin’s dog.
“The shot was a beaut. I had the perfect form and a nice smooth, gentle stroke. I treated that ball like the finest of ladies” said Webb. “Then I see this dog take God’s gift, my perfect putt, and take off with it. All I have to say is, that dog can suck on these nuts.”
The club’s coach, former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf – formerly the coach of the Western Texas A & M’s and the Texas State Penitentiary’s golf teams — determined that Webb would get to reattempt his shot. Webb responded by shanking the putt after an unknown heckler screamed out, “You will not make this putt, jackass!”
The day was otherwise uneventful until it ended with a bang as Arabrab finished the day with some poetic justice. Arabrab shot an honorary 19th hole, the conclusion of the round going straight up the ass of Boscoe the Lion.
“Now that’s what I call a hole-in-one,” shouted Arabrab. “Maybe they’ll think twice before fucking with the future Happy Gilmores of the world. Yeah, buddy.”