After becoming comfortable in a sexual relationship, couples often times decide to become more adventurous, and a common avenue is S&M – sadomasochism – and rough sex.
The term sadomasochism finds its roots in the words sadism, meaning to enjoy inflicting pain, and masochism, meaning to enjoy pain being inflicted on oneself. According to Discovery Health, sadomasochism is most simply defined as the eroticizing of pain during sexual intercourse.
Although this path definitely isn’t for everyone, it is important to debunk the stigmas connected to S&M before providing fodder for ideas. There is a common misconception that sadomasochism is essentially rape, but this isn’t the case, since sadomasochism is fully consensual.
American media also portray sadomasochism in it’s most extreme states, like whips, chains, and handcuffs, but in reality, a couple is practicing sadomasochism if they even lightly bite one another during intercourse.
If you have never indulged in rough sex or S&M before, you’re likely thinking to yourself, “Why would anyone enjoy being hurt or hurting their partner during sex?”
The answer to this question is very simple, biological, and may seem weird: Pain, just like pleasure, releases endorphins, the compound connected to pleasure and enjoyment. The masochist recognizes that being spanked or squeezed is slightly painful, but he or she mostly feels pleasure, causing additional sexual arousal.
Obviously, this branch of intercourse can be very heated and passionate, part of why people enjoy engaging in sadomasochism. Unlike other branches of sex, sadomasochism can be dangerous since it involves pain, so it’s important to do your homework and get consent before busting out the fuzzy handcuffs from Spencer’s gifts.
Tips for everyone
Get consent from your partner. As discussed earlier, sadomasochism without consent is essentially rape. It’s important to know you have the okay from your partner, and having a conscious discussion beforehand can alleviate apprehension connected to sadomasochism and your partner’s feelings.
Some Web pages about sadomasochism, such as AskMen, suggest judging your partner’s opinion by lightly biting them or pulling his or her hair, and then asking if they like it before continuing. In this situation, it’s important to know your partner: Are you dating someone who goes with the flow between the sheets? Or, will your partner go running in the opposite direction if he or she feels slightly uncomfortable?
Create a safe word. Although pain does release endorphins during sex, you will still experience pain, and sometimes it can be too much. S&M experts recommend creating a safe word you never use during intercourse, like “muffin” or “daisy.” Sometimes participants pretend they don’t want to continue with S&M during sex, so it’s important to have a word that means, “stop” for this situation.
Ideas for the curious
If you’re curious about sadomasochism, it’s best to test the waters before you jump in with light S&M like biting, spanking, hair pulling, or pinning your partner.
Biting is an easy starter because most couples already kiss areas like the neck or thighs during sex. Don’t start by intensely biting your partner. Instead, kiss his or neck normally, and gradually start nibbling. If your partner enjoys this, you can bite harder, but remember not to break their skin!
It is most common for the buttocks to be spanked during sex, simply because it doesn’t make sense to start with another body part. Spanking releases endorphins through the body and is easiest during the doggystyle or cowgirl positions for heterosexual couples.
Hair pulling – if done lightly – might not hurt at all and releases endorphins like these other activities. Tugging your partner’s hair during oral sex can be a sign to them that you’re enjoying yourself, causing your partner to be aroused while you are pleasured.
Some couples take this a step further and pull on the female partner’s hair during sex to change her body position, creating new angles of entry and depth.
Pinning your partner down may seem extreme, but can be very pleasurable. This technique gives the top partner a sense of control, while the bottom partner completely gives him or herself away to their partner.
Ideas for the adventurous
If you have already experimented with S&M or you and your partner have discussed adventurous sadomasochism, bondage, choking, and throwing your partner around are techniques you can try out.
Bondage is the area that people most commonly think of when they hear S&M. That’s right: bondage includes whips, handcuffs, restraints, and blindfolds. Bondage takes pinning your partner down one step further with the use of material products. Restraints and handcuffs are useful if your partner wants to be dominated, and adding a blindfold creates mystery.
Using a whip on your partner is definitely a step-up in S&M world and consent is imperative. Whipping is pleasurable because it releases endorphins, just as with spanking.
Choking can be very dangerous and should be practiced with care. The reduced flow of oxygen to the brain causes a hallucinogenic state, but you must be careful to avoid asphyxiation. If you want to avoid this danger, simply holding your partner’s neck can create the illusion of control.
Throwing your partner around can be done as lightly or harshly as you and your partner are comfortable with. Picking your partner up and throwing them against walls or seating them on tables can be very erotic, creating a very enjoyable experience. Keep in mind that this can create cuts or bruises, and also that throwing your partner around can be loud if items fall or break.
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this girl is such a joke. once again, i’m embarrassed for her. cancel this column.
Hopefully after Christie’s cuts there won’t be enough money floating around for a taxpayer-funded school to be wasting time with this kind of nonsense.
I enjoyed your column and learn something new too. I like a well placed spanking now and then.
This was a great article – S&M is becoming increasingly mainstream and I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to talk so openly about it.
L and Joeb are unbelievably intolerant. Why have you declared this ‘nonsense’? It’s something that millions of people around the world enjoy; it causes no unhappiness (and ENORMOUS pleasure); it’s totally consensual; it’s something that requires careful consideration so that all parties are safe (and thus the article performs an important function); and it’s an activity that generates intimacy between couples. So it’s nonsense, and an embarrassment, because … why, exactly?
I guess you guys are just straight humpers, eh? God, I feel sorry for your wives/girlfriends.
I don’t think BC has any place in an article for BDSM beginners
This article gave me alot of insight and ideas that I was looking for. I hate that individuals jump right to negativity when the subject of s&m are brought up. This is clearly not the case. Thanks for putting a postive spin on this topic.
Thank you!!! I’m divorced after 12 years of marriage and have a new girlfriend who practiced SM before and we are starting to have talks about this. This gives me a great insight!
People who is not into this can always have the choice to not read the article.
I thought this was an excellent blog and will be citing it in my paper on S&M at York College of PA. S&M can be extremely exciting when done properly.
~P.
girlboxer1970
I really found this article to be VERY helpful,I have been missing something in my life and i figured out what it was , i needed more of a intense sex life,,now i have to test the waters with my husband… Thank you and you have opend my eyes and helped a bunch, XOXO
I found this article to be very interesting! My partner and I have an agreement on pain during sex. It’s never been spoken of, but we both know the limits. We’ve tried numerous avenues to try and perfect our art. It’s quite beautiful if I do say so myself:)
I personally think anyone who is responding negatively just don’t have an open mind and probably don,t like change in their lifestyle. This doesn’t make them bad people, they just won’t get to experience different things in their life in which we all know is way to short ! I realize how short, short life really is ! I am willing to give it a wing ! I’ve already experienced a little choking by my girlfriend and it was pretty intense. You don,t have to go crazy, just give it a try and a chance !
My gf and I have just started talking about this. She and I have both been raped although at different ages and by different men. She’s practiced it before while I haven’t. This definitely gave me some great ideas! Thanks(:
P.s. s&m is only as bad as you make it seem. I was scared at first too to talk about it
I found this helpful. I deal wth pain from a car accident in ‘98. However that pains negative , the pain my byfrnd inflicts on me during sex…Very EROTIC!!! I love it n it turns him on just by him gettn me so excited.
However, iis the reason I like this bcuz of the sexual assualts I have been thru? Is this bad or good?
PLZ HELP….it confuses me cuz im wondering if its wrong.
This article is really helpful thank you. Like shortcake I live with negative pain daily. My partner of 30yrs enjoy s&m on a regular basis and thoroughly enjoy ourselves.
A few months ago, during sex, my boyfriend became very excited. He started throwing me around the bed, and being demanding and bossy. He’s not like that on a reg basis, so I was turned on. About 2 weeks ago, for the first time, he started pulling my hair and spanking me. After that, he said “during sex, you’re my b*tch. Got it?”
Needless to say, all I can think about now is him controlling me, and hurting me (but in a good way). I’ve had numerous fantasies of him tying me up, or gagging me. Or even biting me and breaking skin.
Is it bad that I want him to inflict pain on me? I’m so turned on by it. But does this mean I have “mental issues”??
This “pain” is one of the more awesome avenues my husband and I have tried in our 15yr marriage and I gotta say it truly SAVED our marriage by giving us something new and exciting. It’s definitely not for everyone so you gotta take it easy to see what you do or don’t like. Those who say its wrong are closed-minded. How can a person tell you whats right and wrong for you and your partner. I don’t believe that we people who enjoy being dominated or those who enjoy dominating are messed up in the head or have mental issues. What you do in your own home is nobody’s business but your own. They pain you experience here is completely different than pain cause by an injury. I suffer from severe pain pain and I have days when the pain my husband gives me (that I get on my knees and beg for)is the only true enjoyment I can get that mentally relieves the physical pain in m.y back.. Either you like it or you don’t but you won’t know unless you try
DON’T KNOCK WHAT YOU HAVEN’T TRIED!!!!!!!!
I found this rather useful… My new boyfriend is ver submissive or a masochist or whatever I guess…. But I’m very submissive as well… And in my being submissive I want to do whatever it takes to please him… Even if it means hurting him and not myself
(Still learning how to stop saying sorry)
Very helpful! My husband was quite surprised when i had him choke me and i had an amazing orgasm! Dont knock it till u try it!
Lol this is really helpful my gf really enjoyed it and can’t wait for next time.. haha hey others out there just saying don’t knock it till you try it who knows you might just love it
I really enjoyed this article. I am person that has always been intriged by S and M but i never felt comfortable really exploring many aspects. I’m now in a safe comfortable loving relationship and I’ve been able to explore what things I like amd my limits. My partner is extremely supportive and is always save and careful. Also to his suprise he enjoys masochism also. He wasn’t against it when I told him that I enjoyed it, and he was pleasntly suprised when he realized he enjoyed it too. I’ve done a lot of research about the topic and I am always up to learning more. I have learned from embracing my S & M preference that I am more comfortable being myself in thr outside world because I can be and embrace my true self; and being with someone that is accepting, and enjoying himself, of S & M has given me the healthiest realationship I have ever been in. And since my partner has realized his enjoyment our reatationship has gotten more close and intamite on a daily basis. I think this is a great artical for beginers :)
people really need to shut the fuck up. not because that’s not your thing means you gotta talk shit. ive never had sexual satisfaction, never fucking had an orgasm and just recently found out why because im into S&M i dont want to be dominated or have pain afflicted on me outside the bedroom but just only when im having sex. nothing too crazy but bitting, spaking and bondage. dont ask me why i dont know. This is the only way i can enjoy sex. so please keep your nasty ass judgemental comments to your self. what you dont realize is that you really have to trust the sado to let them do that to you knowing they wont go too far. anyways if you dont like this why the hell are you researching it. you got no life; you know you want this ;)