By Victor Sarandon
Last True American Dr. Zhivago Fan
In a day and age where sex is as boring and bland as the Wall Street Journal, students are looking for new alternatives to get their freak on.
Donnie Michael Hoy, senior oceanography major, has experience in new and freaky ways of “getting off.” In a Q&A discussion, The Singal found out about what turns him on, where he’s going sexually and any tips for those curious or anxious about trying something new.
Victor Sarandon: So tell us Donnie, what’s the new method to achieve an orgasm for you?
Hoy: My new way is putting my dick in oysters. You never know if the oyster’s going to snap shut or not. It makes it dangerous and exciting.
Sarandon: Hmm, very interesting. Tell me, what was the most exciting sexual act you’ve found yourself involved in recently?
Hoy: There was one time when I was in a zero gravity simulator with a rocket scientist. Her name was Alberta. She really opened my eyes to how much zero gravity can enhance the erogenous zones.
Sarandon: The most exciting thing that ever happened to me was slamming my johnson in the refrigerator door. You have better moments than I do.
Hoy: I know.
Sarandon: Anyway, what are you looking forward to the most sexually? Any new things you’re going to try soon?
Hoy: I’m looking forward to death. I want to be on the receiving end of necrophilia for a change.
Sarandon: Necrophilia. That’s god awful. How do you live with yourself?
Hoy: All the dead people were of consenting age. I’m not a pedophile.
Sarandon: Well that’s good I guess. Let’s switch gears a little bit, something a little sunnier. You were recently talking to me about your visit to the glory hole booths at Super XXX Variety. How was that experience for you?
Hoy: I think the girls really benefited from me being there. It was a learning experience for them.
Sarandon: Don’t you worry about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) or infections or what not?
Hoy: What you can’t see can’t hurt you. If I can’t see my immune system being devastated by a sexually transmitted disease then it is not happening.
Sarandon: That logic isn’t really “logical.” But this isn’t about me. It’s about you. Many of the readers are anxious to try new things. What advice do you have for those unwilling to explore fresh territory?
Hoy: I think the biggest thing is building up confidence in your body and in your sexuality. For example, the first time my girlfriend dressed up as a Gremlin I was a little intimidated. But eventually I overcame my fear, I got into the Pikachu suit, and we had one of the most memorable nights of my life.
Sarandon: That’s good advice. How about those people who have the confidence but don’t know how to take the next step?
Hoy: Well for me, I learned the most when I was walking the streets of Trenton just talking to people after hours. I found the less clothes I wore the more people were willing to experiment with me.
Sarandon: Okay, final question. How big is ‘it’?
Hoy: Which ‘it’ are you referring to?
Sarandon: Um … your penis.
Hoy: I will say this. You couldn’t fit it in the palm of your hand but it’s smaller than a loaf of bread. I have a nickname for it … little boy Hoy, except it’s not little.