By Holden Caulfield
Last True American Everything, FUCKERS
After completing this semester, members of the class of 2013 are “highly encouraged” to drop out of the College, according to the Git.
“You heard the Mayans. There isn’t any point in continuing their pursuit of higher education, when the world is just going to end when they’re juniors,” someone heard her say in an e-mail. “Why should they waste their youth reading? Or worse, writing?!”
While the news would outrage most college students, luckily apathy has been the predominant response from the freshman class.
“Oh, yeah that,” said freshman nursing major, Batman. “I don’t really follow politics, so this really doesn’t affect me.”
The decrease in enrollment will free up housing for alternative purposes, sources say. Waterslides will be installed in Travers and Wolfe Halls, and Cromwell Hall will be transformed into an elaborate fort rather than housing freshman nerds.
“In my experience, what every upper classmen is missing is a good old fashion fort,” said a mysterious man with a soul patch, outside Forcina Hall. “And in the Cromwell suites, think of the space for activities!”
The immediacy of the end of the world has prompt- ed some budgetary initiatives as well. Current propos- tions for spending surplus funds include a petting zoo and amusement park.
“Why have money if you’re not going to spend it?” Gitenstein said. “The state funding has been burning a hole in my pocket for years. You want a roller coaster outside Green Hall? I’ll get you that roller coaster.”