By Felix the Cat on Acid
Last True American Cat on Acid
It was just one piece of raw chicken that sent sophomore philosophy major Frank Pyre over the edge. Pyre admitted Friday to burning Eickhoff Hall to the ground on March 23 after waiting 20 minutes in line for a piece of grilled chicken, which was reportedly undercooked.
“It was raw, man, totally raw. I can’t eat that shit,” Pyre said. “Ask anybody, I’m sure they’d have done the same. I could’ve gotten worms, man. Worms.”
Friends and family members said Pyre was “ticked off” about the possible tuition increases announced by president R. Barbara Gitenstein during her State of the College address, and cited his periodic outbursts during the week as possible warning signs for his actions.
“He came back from that meeting a changed man,” said Pyre’s roommate, Kevin Arnold. “He would just go into these rants about the ‘before time’ and started listening to Creed. He is not the Frank I met at Play Fair.”
In a frantic whirl of Vera Bradley wristlets, diners and residents alike evacuated the building when the fire started in the side dining area, also referred to as the “reject room,” set off detectors. Witnesses say Pyre lit stray copies of The Signal to start the fire that would reduce Eickhoff Hall to ruins.
“They reviewed one of my performances in the Rat once,” Pyre explained. “They said the audience was more interested in their wraps.”
Luckily no one was hurt in the fire, but the damage to the building has left countless students homeless and hungry.
“I wish I lived in Centennial,” said former Eickhoff resident, Bertha Mason. “Those kids have it made right now.”
Since the fire, students have been finding shelter in the library, various parking garages and Holman Hall.
“A pretty rough crowd rolls in Lot 6, so I’ve been shacking up in Holman,” said Gregory Peck, freshman women and gender studies major.
Things, however, could be much worse.
“Luckily, this happened on a Tuesday night, when most residents are off campus getting their drink on. Otherwise someone may have gotten hurt,” an anonymous staff member (trust us, this dude is high up there) said. “Oh, that’s off-the-record.”
Gitenstein said plans to rebuild a dining hall are in the works, after construction for the College Town begins.
“Baby steps, children,” Gitenstein said. “Our projected completion date is 2037, assuming that the world doesn’t end in 2012, which I am not yet in the position to assume.”
According to an unquestionably reliable source, the new dining hall will be catered by Panera Bread.
When asked if he regretted his decision to burn down Eickhoff, Pyre showed little remorse.
“Yea, I’d do it again, man,” he said. “Sticking it to the man, man. That’s what I’m all about.”