Dr. Seuss, get off your high horse, you political schmuck!

By Burgermeister Meisterburger

Last True American Meister

Sure, he’s beloved by millions because he can rhyme “cat” with “hat.” To be sure, only a person with a doctorate could’ve discovered the all-too-natural pairing of these two words. But there is something rotten in the land of the Lorax and the Island of Sala-ma-Sond. And it’s not green eggs.

It’s Seuss’ bleeding-heart political activism getting in the way of me enjoying a nice story about a bastardly turtle or a mustached creature who “speaks for the trees” (silly Lorax — trees don’t talk, you dumb shit).

The man is a fiend. A menace armed with rhymes and nonsense words to distract you from what he’s really saying. You think that if you throw in a nizzard or a sneedle or zizzer-zazzer-zuzz, I’m not going to notice I’m being educated, Seussy? You’re a crafty bastard.

If you’re reading Seuss, you’re being brainwashed. Who cares if we’re deteriorating our natural resources? Or if Yertle the Turtle shows us our greed in land acquisition? Children’s stories are supposed to be shallow and have no further meaning than their surface plot. Have you learned nothing from Disney? Or Aesop’s fables? Mother Goose?

Stop trying to teach me a lesson, old man. Did I ask you to dazzle me with metaphors for imperialism? NO. I want to be mindlessly entertained. Stop being a prick, and be a good little doctor and rhyme some more cats.

For additional information, visit TheTruthAboutSeuss.org. Direct comments and anti-Seuss mail to Seusser77@meister.burger.co.uk.

Dr. Burgermeister Meisterburger is a senior contributor at The Wall Street Journal.