By Donnie Michael Hoy
Last True American Tiger Woods Fan
As though Chris Christie couldn’t be anymore of a fat asshole, his administration implemented a new policy this week to cut sports entirely from the state of New Jersey. Not only were all professional sports teams within New Jersey borders forcefully evicted, but government agents also went from door-to-door and store-to-store to repossess and burn all sports equipment in a huge bonfire outside the state capital.
“Blah blah blah,” Governor Christie said in a press conference. “Blah blah blah, money economy corruption. Blah no sports blah I HATE UNIONS blah blah hot dogs.”
When asked how cutting all athletics from New Jersey could possibly help the economy he responded by saying, “I don’t know, my advisors told me to do it. I was just tired of New Jersey’s lawmakers sitting on their asses while our economy floundered. I figured it was better to do something than nothing, even if that something was dumb.”
Then some annoying people with stupid opinions said some stuff about being upset.
“Rabble rabble,” one union president eloquently said. “I don’t understand how he has the authority to make such radical decisions. Just because he was elected by the people of New Jersey by a perfectly legal democratic election process doesn’t mean he has the authority to make decisions.”
Meanwhile a group of half-starved, homeless and recently laid-off teachers have made the abandoned Giants Stadium their new home. The Singal recently dispatched a series of reporters to the group of former educators, but none returned alive.
“At this point we believe that the teachers who have made Giants Stadium their home formed a primitive form of society and have separated into groups of hunters and beach-dwellers,” some guy in a suit said during a press conference.
When asked if he realized the teachers were just acting out the two main groups of children from Lord of the Flies, the suit-wearing official ran off the podium crying with his head buried in his hands.
In response to having his Double-A team, the Trenton Thunder, kicked out of New Jersey, New York Yankee principal owner George Steinbrenner responded by purchasing the area surrounding Mercer County Waterfront Park in Trenton, New Jersey.
“Since the stadium is in New Jersey it’s technically an independent island that is not part of the United States of America,” the near-ancient Steinbrenner explained from his personal nursing home. “But I’m sending my useful son, Hal, to Washington D.C. to purchase more of New Jersey and rename our new state ‘Steinbrenner Adventure Land.’ I’m then sending my fat, annoying useless son Hank to be a bouncer at Waterfront Park … I suppose I did this because I was tired of people saying that I had become old and timid with my rapidly decaying health. I decided this was my last chance to go out with a BANG and flaunt my nearly-limitless funds one final time.”
Earlier this morning Governor Christie announced that anyone seen playing with a ball, watching sports on TV or even talking about sports would be shot on sight. He even warned that journalists indirectly writing about sports by publicizing his announcement would also be slowly tortured.
“BURN! Take that you left-wing media pussies,” Christie said while brandishing a samurai sword.
More on this story will be released as it … Oh god it’s the government, they’re knocking on my door. Oh god they’re shooting out my door — please if anyone sees this tell my wife and my children I love them. Don’t give up the fight, my brothers and sisters, LONG LIVE SPORTS!! Oh lord they’re shooting me, it hurts so badly, bullets are so painful, I feel death taking me slowly …
R.I.P. Donnie Michael Hoy 1988-2010 – A warrior of the media.