‘Vulture’ dances all over campus

By Randy “Golden Boy” Zavinski

Last True American Dingleberry

With tuitions costs increasing for the 2010-2011 school year, students at the College have started a dancing craze to forget their money woes.

One of these new dancing fiends is a man who goes by the name of The Vulture. The Vulture — a freshman at the College — has asked to have his true identity concealed because “it will ruin his game.”

The Vulture says he has been dancing away all year, but that he has elevated his hours of dancing ever since he discovered that tuition costs would increase next year.

“When I heard that more money would be taken out of my pocket I got a little down,” said The Vulture. “Then I decided that the only way that I would feel whole again was to go out and party like it was 1999.”

The Vulture also informed the Singal that he has been dancing ever since he was a little boy.

“The running joke in my family is that I came out of the womb dancing,” The Vulture said. “Ever since I was a little Vulture I’ve loved to dance. My mom thinks my dancing habit is creepy. My dad just thinks I’m an idiot.”

After some heavy research, which included an interview with a couch and two trips to a retirement home in Canada, the Singal discovered The Vulture’s dancing days started when he took a ballet class in Toronto circa 1997.

For the next three years The Vulture trained extensively with these ballet dancers to develop his own unique style of dance that “works on the ladies.” He refers to this style of dance as the “bottom of the barrel.”

“When I dance I like to get as low as I can,” The Vulture said. “And the bottom of the barrel is the lowest you can get.”

The Singal followed The Vulture out on a dance trip over the weekend to see what his style of dance looked like in “the wild.”

“When you guys got in contact with me I knew the only way to let you see the true me was to have you tag along on Friday night,” The Vulture said.

The Vulture put on a show as he broke out all his signature dance moves in front of countless students.

The first move that The Vulture did was the “wiggle”. This move consists of standing in one spot and swaying side to side. The Vulture insisted that we understood that there can be no rhythm or skill involved in this move.

“The Wiggle is intended to be plain and simple to have the ultimate effect,” said The Vulture. “If I did it any differently I wouldn’t be who I am today.”

The next move that The Vulture broke out was what he called the “strikeout.” The strikeout is a dance that involves the dancer attempting to dance with skill to impress someone only to fail in the end.

The Strikeout can either be accepted or followed up with the “follow,” according to The Vulture. The follow is the persistent use of the strikeout until it seems to work or make you look a little creepy, either way you have successfully done the follow.

The last dance that The Vulture showcased was his masterpiece, the “spin-a-rama.” The spin-a-rama is a quick 900-degree turn, but only to the left.

“The way I do the spin-a-rama has to be to the left because I can’t turn right,” said The Vulture. “I’m a modern-day Derek Zoolander. Sixty percent of the time it works every time, so why wouldn’t I bust it out?”

The Vulture assured the Singal for the rest of the semester he will be “getting crunk” and dancing his heart out.

“Where ever there’s a beat, where ever there’s a couch, and where ever there’s girls I’ll be there. Ready to dance the night away.”