by Jason Cantor
The College really dropped the ball(s) on this one.
With the help of many friends, I have put together a list of 100 things the College should have spent $100,000 on instead of plastic, sparkly balls. Some are serious, many are not, but regardless, I think most of you will agree.
100. Extra parking.
99. New gym equipment.
98. Room and board for five lucky students.
97. $15 off every student’s tuition.
96. Snuggies for more than half our students.
95. Toilet paper that isn’t thinner than Mary-Kate Olsen.
94. New pictures in the Rathskeller that aren’t from 1980 .
93. 150 new computers.
92. Convert the old library to “Roscoe’s Den,” an on-campus bar and restaurant.
91. Change the color of the chairs in Kendall Hall’s auditorium.
90. Flu and H1N1 shots for all students and faculty.
89. Bring in Russell Peters.
88. Bring in Jeff Foxworthy.
87. World Series tickets for 750 lucky students.
86. 5,000 similar looking exercise balls.
85. Variety in the food at Eickhoff Dining Hall.
84. Take every student to see an IMAX movie of their choice.
83. A penny to every New Jersey resident.
82. Armor for 500 students to fight the Order of the Golden Lion.
81. An Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 for every floor of every dorm.
80. Free on-campus haircuts.
79. Food and rent for five homeless families.
78. Put a boat yard on the lake.
77. 2,500 kegs of Keystone — the only way this “art” will look good.
75. Drive-thru car wash.
74. Outdoor pool.
73. Ice-skating rink.
72. Demolish Centennial Hall.
71. New cars for six students.
70. Bowling alley.
69. Remodel the Brower Student Center.
68. Bridge between Travers and Wolfe Halls.
67. Extended New Library hours.
66. Create a network between College students and administration so we’re on the same page.
65. On-campus movie theatre.
64. Fix the Packer Hall roof. Seriously — not like the eight other times we were told it was fixed.
63. 100,000 McDoubles from McDonalds.
62. 6,000 DVDs for an on-campus DVD rental.
61. Lights for a soccer stadium.
60. Merry-go-round — questionable, but still a better idea than balls.
59. A concert pianist to play at Eickhoff for a year.
58. 750 massage chairs for classrooms.
57. Two shots of Patrón for each student.
56. Pay for 1/20 of the Yankees’ Parade.
55. 50,000 boxes of tissues for Phillies fans.
54. Save 100,000 children for one day on savethechildren.com.
53. 500,000 pretzels at the Philadelphia Pretzel factory.
52. Petting zoo.
51. HBO for a semester for all on-campus students.
50. 100 47-inch LCD televisions.
49. 20,000 Dominator pizzas.
48. Increase on-campus student worker salaries.
47. Limos, rather than buses, for the Loop.
46. English as a Second Language (ESL) programs for many of our professors.
45. Massage parlor.
44. Three Adderall pills per student for finals.
43. 100 Tempur-Pedic mattresses.
42. 300,000 Super Balls to display on campus.
41. A “drunk bus.”
39. Education for all students from South Jersey.
38. Buy books for 250 students.
37. Give business students The Wall Street Journal back.
36. Cover the programs we may lose from budget cuts.
35. 8,000 Miley Cyrus CDs and a fire pit to burn them in.
34. Two Miley Cyrus concerts and a fire pit to burn her in afterwards — just kidding.
33. Bring in Bill Clinton .
32. Bring in 50 Cent.
31. Have experts give lectures for every department.
30. 350 Coach purses.
29. Have Kel Mitchell perform on campus — 40 times.
28. On-campus fast food chain.
27. Pay for the entire budget of “Paranormal Activity” — 10 times.
26. Five Quick Chek sandwiches per student.
25. Yearly supply of steroids to all willing College athletes.
24. A College T-shirt for all students and faculty.
23. Salaries for two much-needed Campus Police officers.
22. Security cameras to figure out who’s been stealing cars.
21. A system to register for classes that makes sense. I’m signing up for classes, there’s no reason I should be putting them in a shopping cart.
20. A million Hershey kisses to distribute to make amends with disgruntled students and alumni.
19. Renovation or demolition of Forcina Hall — whichever you prefer.
18. Put the money toward medical research.
17. Build an outdoor concert/activities venue.
16. Fully stocked ice cream truck.
15. 40,000 condoms.
14. Stock the campus with 100 separate $1,000 gold eggs and have an Easter egg hunt.
13. Several campus-wide events to promote school pride.
12. Almost one-third of President Gitenstein’s annual salary.
11. 1,000 iPhones.
10. Massive hold chains for Larry to complete his transformation to Mr. T.
9. Create a system that will pay College art students for their art, rather than hiring a ballsy artist to play with his balls.
8. Increase funding for Lion’s Television (LTV) so that the shows do not look like they were filmed in my basement.
7. Put The Signal back in color.
6. 400 Segways for all lazy students.
5. 500,000 servings of Ramen noodles.
4. 100,000 Volcano Tacos from Taco Bell.
3. Billboards to tell the world we are no longer Trenton State College.
2. Air conditioning in the Towers.
1. 400 pairs of designer glasses for whoever looked over the proposition to spend $100,000 on four hideous looking balls.