As a way of avoiding writing an editorial that no one will read, I have instead elected to write a goodbye letter – that no one will read.
What can I say about my time at The Signal that will do my experiences here justice? This newspaper has taken five semesters of pure youth away from me. For your reading pleasure, here is a short list of things I could have done instead:
1) Watch football: As an avid fan of the second-best football team that calls Giants Stadium its home, the first-place New York Jets, I could have spent my Sundays root-rooting for my team instead of laying out pages in the venerable Brower Student Center basement, home of the executive office suites of The Signal.
2) Write the great Asian-American novel: As the most talented writer at this crummy paper, I could have channeled my firm, swollen talent into a work that would have shaken the Asian-American community to its moist core.
3) Become a successful business major: Given my special talents, I could have parlayed all of my free time on Sundays and Mondays into at least $4 million in junk bond trading, based on a number of studies I’ve done. I saw this subprime mortgage thing coming when I was still a sperm cell reading The Wall Street Journal. That’s why I moved out of my parents’ house, which has declined tenfold in value over the past two years, into the more stable cardboard box market. Home sweet home.
4) Pleasure myself and others: Soo many ladies!
5) Overdose on heroin: Why did I waste hours and hours of time staying up late working on the newspaper when I could have been shooting up, staying up late playing Jenga (and winning) against other heroin addicts? Jenga. Jeeenga.
As you can probably tell, I’ve got some regrets. But I’ve got to square with you, reader. Without The Signal, I wouldn’t know a lot of the things that I know. I wouldn’t know the joyfully broken logic that is the Associated Press Stylebook.
Without The Signal, I never would have gotten the opportunity to make big decisions like: Should that headline be center aligned or left aligned (left aligned, bitches)? I would never have learned just how huge Yao Ming is (pretty huge).
In all seriousness, here’s the facts, Jack: Without The Signal, I’d be pretty crappy. I never would have won that Pulitzer for all my articles on the Municipal Land Use Center. I never would have had the opportunity to watch the sun rise outside my window as I crawled into bed. I never would have gotten to know the degenerates over in the staff box.
I’ll miss you next semester, Signal. You took five good semesters of my life away. But tucking you in and putting you to bed every Tuesday morning made it all worthwhile.
(Almost former) Editor-in-Chief