What to expect when you’re expecting (to get laid)

The extra-long sheets are in place, the parents have given their tearful goodbyes and now you and your roommate are clinging to each other throughout your floor icebreakers. This is it; this is college. Finally.

Now you’re in charge of your sex life. No more “quick you have to come over before my mom gets home from work” or “is that your hand or the gearshift?” You have a bed, a sexile-able roommate and lots of alcohol to induce a lot of awkward averted glances that can last all four years.

I’m not saying that these are good ideas. It’s a good way to get your roommate to resent you and it’s very hard to avoid people on this campus (especially during those long elevator rides in Travers/Wolfe), but the fact of the matter is that you’re going to do it. Here’s some advice to help you through it:

The College offers you the services of Planned Parenthood. Business hours are Tuesdays and Wednesdays from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. starting Sept. 4. They have cheap condoms for anybody who would like, but for you ladies out there they offer most OB/GYN services, plus they can write prescriptions for various forms of birth control. It’s confidential and non-judgmental and if you have any questions they’re available.

Mistakes do happen on days other than Tuesday and Wednesday so Health Services, (where Planned Parenthood is located) offers emergency contraception or the morning after pill. Health Services also offers free HIV testing.

We’re talking about your body here; protect it. Sex is fun, nobody’s denying that, but you don’t want one mistake to follow you through the rest of your life. You can go for months not knowing that you have an STD taking root in your body.

Respect is key. You’re now in a situation where you’re surrounded by people of all races, backgrounds and sexual orientations. It’s not your place to pass judgment. Sexuality is something to be celebrated, not condemned.

You’re not going to listen to me, but I’m going to say it anyway: AVOID FLOORCEST. It creates nothing but awkwardness for everybody involved. Just run down the stairs a floor and you’ll be fine.

Watch out for drunken Facebooking. Of course it seems like a good idea at the time, but a few sober hours later regret may start kicking in. That sexy wall message you left after a few too many cups of jungle juice may not seem so cute in the morning.

It’s OK not have sex. Whether you’re a virgin or a practiced sex god(ess), if you don’t want to, you don’t have to. That’s the power of consent. If you are unfortunately forced into doing something you didn’t want to do, the College offers free counseling and the Campus Police are always a phone call away.

The campus community only wants good things for the class of 2011. You’re some of the smartest, boldest, hardest-working kids this country has to offer. We want you to love the College. Your whole life has led up to here and now you’re on your own, trying out new things, taking care of yourself, growing up.

Yes, we all want to be smart, but there are going to be days where you have a walk of shame back to your dorm at 7 a.m. with puke in your hair and obvious going out clothes on. You’re going to have to sit in the lounge with a book waiting for your roommate to be done boning (and you’re going to laugh with the rest of the floor when you hear some mood music floating down the hallway from your room). The walls are concrete, but they are not thick, so when you hear moans coming from next door, just note that they can hear you too. Go crazy – have sex in the floor showers at 4 a.m. when no one’s around (just don’t tell them I told you to if you get caught).

You’re freshmen. The rest of us are looking at you completely jealous because this is the beginning of the greatest experience of your life. So please, get over yourself. There’s no shame in squeezing two people in that tiny bed.

And while there’s plenty of shame in that infamous walk, by lunchtime in Eickhoff you’ll be cracking up about it with your friends. Celebrate your freedom. Explore your sexuality. If you can’t get enough of sexuality, we have clubs to celebrate it too. Join Vox for free condoms all the time, or PRISM to celebrate equality regardless of sexuality. You only get one chance here, make the most of it.