Ask Kayy

Dear Kayy,

Even though finals should be keeping me too busy to even think about relationships, I’m so preoccupied with my ex. We haven’t been serious since high school, but it seems that every time I’m home for the holidays I stray back to him. He was my first love, but to be honest, he’s a jerk, and everyone gets pissed at me for hooking up with him over Winter Break, but I can’t help it! I get so lonely over the holidays being single, which I have been for the past few, and all I want to do is run back to him, even though every time I just get hurt. Any advice on how to avoid him? Thanks.

Miss Sappy Claus

Dear Miss Sappy Claus,

It is perfectly normal to get that little twinge of sadness during the holidays. It’s supposed to be a time of joy, love, unity and peace yadda yadda yadda, but it often turns out to be the time for holiday pounds and slight depression. This is not to say people in relationships don’t get this way, but since I’ve spent many a holiday in your position, we’ll focus on the effects of holiday cheer on the single soul.

First of all, there’s nothing wrong with being single. I mean, I spent most of my 21 years single and pretty happy. But, I totally get what you’re feeling. In fact, it just may have been what drove me to my ex two years in a row.

I remember last year, when I was still single and fabulous, I was at my family Christmas dinner. And what did that consist of? Mom and dad, big brother and fianc?e, little brother and little girlfriend, the newlywed (and still honeymooning) cousins and all of my happily married aunts and uncles. I was surrounded by cuddling couples, sharing their love during the “happiest time of the year” and I was just sitting there, three pi?a coladas deep, text-messaging a cute friend of a friend I met on Can we say pathetic?

Of course, on top of being the only obviously single person at the kiddie table, I had those questions: “Where’s so-and-so?” (The wealthy, attractive asshole I’d only gone on three dates with seven months ago). Or, “are you seeing anyone special?” And this is the clincher, the comment that leads to seconds and thirds and fourths of pumpkin pie: “Don’t worry, honey. You’ll find Mr. Right someday; he’s out there.” ARGHHH!!! This one gets me so frustrated that once I responded to my uber-religious aunt with “You mean MISS Right.”

So, now that I’m done with that lovely trip down memory lane, you understand why lots of people feel lonely when they’re single during the holidays. Especially if there’s a person in your life that you haven’t quite gotten over yet who’s within close reach, it’s difficult to turn that down when you feel like everyone else is partnered up and satisfied.

But in reality, don’t assume that those people in relationships are happy or that you can’t feel complete, satisfied or content just because you don’t have a man or woman to go sleigh riding with. Not to sound too cynical, but how many couples canoodling by the fireplace last year are even on speaking terms this year? And things aren’t always how they seem. People may be swallowing their anger or problems for the sake of projecting a positive image for their familes while they envy you for your freedom and independence.

So, this guy’s a jerk and just ends up hurting you after the ball drops in Times Square and Santa leaves the mall atrium. So why bother? I know you may be feeling vulnerable, but think of it this way: you’ve managed to avoid him the rest of the year, which should make you realize it’s the season making you miss him, not your actual romantic feelings. So why give in just because Hallmark, NBC and Aunt Lucy think you should be in a relationship? Besides, you’re 21, not 40 (and even then, screw ’em!). You have all the time in the world to find your soulmate, if you believe in that shazz, so just enjoy being young and single and have a good glass of wine.

Don’t think you need a significant other during the holidays. There are plenty of significant people in your life to be celebrating. Spend time with your family (even Aunt Lucy), visit high school buddies, have sleepovers with your best friends. This should be a happy time to relax, rejuvenate for the spring semester and reflect on last year’s accomplishments and good times – not revert back to bad habits and worse boyfriends.

And who knows, maybe you’ll find a new person to meet under the mistletoe . if you ditch this d-bag you can keep your options open and your emotions level. He causes more damage than good, so ignore his phone calls and return the fruitcake he sent you!

Stay strong, I have plenty of faith in you.

Happy holidays!


Some New Year’s Resolutions:

1) Two words: Kegel exercises. You’ll thank me one day.

2) Try a new position every week . or every two minutes.

3) Stop stalking your ex’s ex.

4) Make your own list of things you’d like to accomplish in the bedroom, and keep a sex journal to track your progress!

5) Throw a sex toy party.

6) Visit and change your life.

7) Buy some silver bullets – and no, not the kind that kill werewolves.

8) Admit to your mom you’re not a virgin (it will lead to great things, I swear!)

9) Go on a blind date.

10) Use a mirror to check out your nether regions.

11) Stop faking orgasms!

12) Give someone a chance you normally wouldn’t.

13) Say you love being single and mean it.

14) Make a gyno appointment.

15) Women: stop saying you’re not mad when you are.

16) Men: stop acting mad when you’re not.

17) Forgive your exes, for real, and move the hell on.

18) Read something, anything, by Naomi Wolf.

19) Go on a real date – watching “The Boondock Saints” in your dorm does NOT count.

20) Rent “Unfaithful” or the “End of the Affair” and read Dracula.

21) Go commando a couple days a week.

22) Play a good old-fashioned game of “Spin the Bottle” with your floormates.

23) Stop limiting your prospective romances to the College. Princeton and Rider are right down the road.

24) Ring in the New Year happy, regardless of your relationship status.

25) Try to be at least 1 percent as open and obnoxious about sex as I am.