Welcome — To your First Year Sexperience

Dear Class of 2010,

I’ll give you the same spiel I gave to your upperclassmen last year:

I’m not a doctor (yet). I’m not a therapist. But I am a college student, and I know relationships. Not to mention hooking up, drunken booty calls, robbing the cradle, long-term monogamy, online dating and one-night stands. You name it, and I’ve laughed as my friends did it and have cried when I made the mistake of doing it myself.

I won’t lie. Just because students at the College are supposed to be smart doesn’t mean they’re smart about relationships (never mind remembering to wrap their tool).

Sometimes I think college is a sick joke – admissions takes the most dedicated and studious kids, throws them in co-ed dorms where alcohol is flowing and long-suppressed hormones are raging, and then they sit back and watch the chaos that ensues (while expecting us to maintain a high GPA and healthy lifestyle).

Well, in keeping with my tradition of trying to stick it to the administration, I’ve graciously volunteered to guide you poor, lost, lonely, confused and frustrated geniuses along the path to relationship savvy . or at least tell you where to find a vibrator that outlasts your boyfriend, and to dump that asshole who’s cheated on you with various blondes in various areas of the New Library (been there, done that, expect the book next May).

So I’m making a deal with you, readers. You send me wacky, kinky, sexy, serious, paranoid or terrifying questions to keep me entertained, and I’ll do my best to answer them with candor and a bit of humor. My one guarantee is that you’re not as weird as you think you are, and that your problems aren’t too complicated to be solved.

And I may not know everything (hard to believe, I know), but I know plenty of health specialists and counselors in the rare case my hard-earned experience and dog-eared, highlighted copy of “Relationships for Dummies” just won’t cut it.

Some advice as you embark upon your college career:

 Be Safe. Cheap condoms and birth control are available in the Office of Health Services and Planned Parenthood, located in Eickhoff Hall. You can get free HIV tests, OB/GYN appointments and sound advice. Plus, your parents don’t have to know!

 Accidents Happen. Speaking of good ole’ Planned Parenthood – you can obtain the Morning-After Pill (which you can actually take up to 72 hours after unprotected sex or contraceptive failure) in Health Services. If you have student health insurance, it’s free! Just give them a call and make an appointment (P.S. Emergency contraception is NOT the abortion pill, but rather prevents pregnancy after sex but before conception).

 Respect Each Other. A thousand people may seem like a lot, but it’s not (trust me). The person you threw a drink on during Welcome Week could become the person of your dreams junior year. The person whose ass you grabbed at a frat party might be your future Community Advisor (CA). If there’s one thing that the College stresses, it’s community. Annoying, but true.

 Drunk Sex Is Bad Sex. I won’t get into the biology of it, but if you’re panting over someone at a party and are lucky enough to get their attention, chances are something will go wrong. If one or both of you can’t perform, you don’t remember it, or you regret it – the next day feelings will be hurt, people will be embarrassed, or worse. There’s always tomorrow, and sober sex is so much hotter!

 Trust Adults. They’re not your mom, your principal or your priest – they are your advocates, mentors and friends. Some wonderful CAs and ambassadors have helped me and friends out more than once.

 Don’t Buy Into Gender Stereotype Crap. This means guys don’t give in to hyperheteromasculinity (in laymen’s terms – don’t be a sexist pig or homophobe just to fit in). Women: be assertive. Decide what you want from a situation or relationship and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

 Do Not Use Instant Messenger Or Facebook To Find Hookups. Just don’t.

 Wanna Do It? Do It! As long as it’s safe, legal and consensual – try it out! Buy a sex toy, kiss the person of the same sex, ask out a classmate, try a new position, have a threesome. Just don’t have floorcest! In fact, avoid people on the floors above and below you just to be safe. Find out what you want, what gets you off and who turns you on – and refrain from documenting it and posting it on MySpace.

And lastly, HAVE FUN! More than anything, you’re going to remember the nights you made up dances, ran through the rain, had all-night scary movie marathons, rode the bull at Lollanobooza and lay all day in bed with your partner/roommate/best friend. Coming from an old woman – these are the times you’ll remember, the memories you’ll laugh about during Senior Week.

Enjoy yourselves, your bodies, and others. Oh – and ask me juicy questions!


An uncharacteristically preachy Kayy