Ask Kayy

Dear Kayy,

I had a crush on this guy for a few weeks from class. He was really cute and I had a lot in common with him. We started talking a lot online and he made me laugh, so I decided to see if there could be something more between us. The chemistry was great – until we actually hooked up. He was a horrible kisser and had no idea what he was doing. And . he’s not very well-endowed. The worst part is he thought it was good! It frustrates me so much, because I am attracted to him and he has a great personality. Is it worth sticking around to see if it gets any better?


Frustrated Friend

Dear Frustrated Friend,

Okay, let’s be fair to the guy (I guess). If there’s one thing I’ve learned, 99 percent of the time, the more emotionally attached and intimate you are with someone, the better the sex is. Now, this isn’t true all the time, so all I can say is give it a little time to see if it gets better. He just might be nervous because he really likes you, or because he just doesn’t get that much practice!

You never know, if you wait it out he just might rock your world. And as I’ve said before, guys are not born with knowing everything about pleasing a woman (though my boyfriend would disagree).

Tell him what you like, and I don’t mean write him a detailed description of your favorite position. Guide him, and if you like what he’s doing, tell him to stay there.

If it really is THAT horrible, by all means, cut him loose. It sounds like you have a really great friendship going, and any more unenjoyable sexual activity will only ruin that. You’ll either keep hooking up and one day blow up and make him cry with your scathing criticism of his non-existant skills, or you’ll stay silent and never be happy. I mean, not having sexual pleasure in your life won’t kill you (or so they say), but it sure is frustrating.

But back to the friendship thing, I think it’s important to recognize the difference between a crush and real romantic feelings. Essentially, there is something about ALL of our friends that we find attractive, whether it is their looks, personality, character or natural charm. And it’s hard distinguishing between a great person and a potential great lover (especially at the age when our hormones are raging and many people will sleep with anything with a pulse).

I’d say get to the bottom of your feelings. Look at it this way – if he’s just friend material, you’ve made a great friend. And on top of that, you can find a guy who you actually enjoy hooking up with (Fancy that)! Coming from someone who has few friendships with males that are untainted by a long-term crush, misguided intentions, a drunken kiss or a broken heart – cherish those friendships you make. F-Buddies are fun the first few times, but eventually someone gets hurt. And if what you’re getting isn’t even that good, don’t bother risking it.

Men are not simply sex toys. Be his buddy! Drink beer with him, go to concerts or movies with him, enjoy his company. You never know what you could gain from that friendship, but you’ll get some laughs and a guy’s perspective on life.

Couldn’t hurt, right?

Hope I helped and your frustration is eased with a great friendship and some good good love.