Animal-human hybrids infiltrate White House

Dick Cheney looks like an evil turtle.

I mention this not to make fun of old Dick (OK, that’s a lie) but for two important reasons. First, his reptilian visage offered me something to laugh at during the president’s alternately boring and distressing State of the Union address. It makes me laugh just thinking about it right now. Chuckle.

The second reason I mention it is because it ties in with the one thing in the president’s speech with which I agreed. The defining point in the speech for me was when Bush warned against “human-animal hybrids” that are, through cloning, I suppose, being pursued throughout the world today.

Of course we all want to rid the world of any human-hawk creatures that might be able to dominate us through their ability to fly, or the also very dangerous dolphin-humans that could seek to control the oceans.

I’m glad that our president is focusing on such important issues, but I do have a couple of things to add to his argument.

Since he has finally come out against human-animal hybrids, I would urge him to purge his own administration first. The vice president, as I mentioned earlier (see how I’m tying this all together?), is obviously a result of some human-animal cloning that was well ahead of its time. If the president removes the man-turtle hybrid known as Cheney, who has somehow infiltrated the highest echelons of government, it’s fine by me.

He should also look into the Democratic governor of Virginia, Tim Kaine, who delivered their limp and disappointing (though not surprising) rebuttal. His roving left eyebrow looked suspiciously like a certain someone might have some caterpillar genes.

This is something everyone can agree on and I applaud the president for taking such a strong stand against human-animal hybrids.

I understand why he neglected to talk about the Medicare crisis that has caused many states, including California and Illinois, to use emergency funds to cover medicine for elderly patients.

How can we focus on something as boring and tired as health care when there might be a race of rat-men pillaging our nation’s food stores while we sleep? Think about it! While we sleep!

Surely the 45.8 million Americans without health care coverage understand that sacrifices must be made to defeat such creatures. I know I’d rather have pneumonia than worry about some kind of human-cat creature killing me in my sleep.

Perhaps this is real reason we have spent over a trillion dollars to turn Iraq into a barely functioning country wracked by violence. Maybe Bush saw this danger several years ago and sent our troops in to cut off any programs that might develop a human-llama.

That must be why we were lied to about WMDs – the president was not sure that the American people were ready to face the truth about how far Iraqi scientists had progressed on making a viable human-chameleon (think about how good a soldier that would make).

It makes as much sense as anything else he’s ever said.

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