Plan B: The contraceptive only Satan could support

If you’re like me then you spend most of your time sitting around, thinking how everything other people do is completely wrong.

You do this because you know that you are absolutely right.

Everything other people do falls under this judgemental gaze, especially when it comes to sex. It may surprise you that right now people are having sex, and enjoying it.

Shocking, I know.

At least there’s still the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) to man the bulwarks against a tide of safe, healthy orgasms that would surely sweep over this country like a terrible, horrible flood of pleasure.

In May 2004, our brave governmental agency, whose purpose is to test the safety of drugs, rejected the emergency contraceptive Plan B for over-the-counter sale.

This “morning-after” pill is used if there was a problem with another contraceptive, like if a condom broke, or if no preventive measures were taken.

It is usually effective at stopping a pregnancy if taken within 72 hours.

Sounds good, right? Wrong.

Why do we need one form of contraceptive just to fix the mistakes of other kinds? That’s just ridiculous.

It is not up to the government to allow drugs on the market that allow people to determine when and how they should have children. That’s giving people far too much control over their own lives.

If America has ever stood for anything, it has stood for that: control.

Unfortunately, the Government Accountability Office (G.A.O.), the part of the government that investigates everyone else (“but who watches them?” one might snarkily say), reported on Nov. 14 that the FDA did not follow its usual procedures in the case of Plan B.

Usually, the FDA follows the advice of its review committee, the Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee, which voted 23 to 4 in favor of selling Plan B over-the-counter.

The FDA rejected this vote and the support of its review staff seemingly out of nowhere, citing that there had not been enough tests done on girls under 16.

This move confused and angered many people who felt the decision was politically motivated and did not follow good scientific procedure.

The G.A.O. report seems to agree with this by saying that the Plan B case was, “not typical of the other 67 prescription-to-(over-the-counter) switch decisions made from 1994 to 2004.”

This was, in part, because many members of the FDA disagreed with the decision and said that there was plenty of evidence that disproved the ‘novel’ rationale that it would increase sexual activity among teenagers.

In all of the other instances, the FDA approved the drugs that its advisory committees recommended.

You might think that some members of the FDA overstepped their bounds, but it turns out they had a very good reason.

One member of the advisory committee, which voted in favor of approving Plan B, correctly identified the threat posed to the American people, and wrote to higher-ups in the FDA.

His name is W. David Hager and he knew Plan B was a plot of no one other than that most vile of tricksters: Satan.

In a speech given at the Asbury College chapel in Kentucky in October 2004, Hager revealed that he had written a letter to the FDA director citing reasons that the FDA should not approve Plan B.

Hager, who is a well-known gynecologist and evangelical, said he “argued from a scientific perspective, and God took that information, and he used it . to influence the decision.”

This explains why the FDA rejected Plan B despite the fact that, according to the G.A.O. report, their own reviewers concluded that access to the drug “did not result in inappropriate use by adolescents . an increase in the number of sexual partners or the frequency of unprotected intercourse or an increase in the frequency of STDs.”

But why did God choose to act in this instance? Hager explains that too. “Once again, what Satan meant for evil, God turned into good.”

Phew, I guess we got lucky there. Hager and God acted, and Satan was thwarted.

That sneaky Prince of Lies must have been messing with the scientific data in this case. It’s a good thing Hager was there on the advisory board to stop Satan. I’m sure the last thing any of us wants is pits of hellfire to open up under the beds of consenting adults in America.

But this still leaves the question open: where will Satan strike next?

Perhaps there is some undetected evil about drugs that are already sold over-the-counter.

Is Satan conspiring to turn ibuprofen against us? Or maybe he’ll strike through cough medicine.

One thing is for certain. America needs people like Hager in positions of power. Just like the judges in Salem, Mass. so long ago, he is not afraid to go after creatures like Satan.

So it’s harder to get a drug that prevents unintended pregnancies. At least we stopped Satan. Score one for America; we beat the Prince of Darkness.

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