Students at the College likely to have ‘hooked up’

Sipping their morning coffee and flipping through Newsweek, parents around the country are gasping at the revelation of the ‘hook-up.’

“One-time sexual encounters, and not even a phone call?” they’ll say, crossing the College off their younger children’s list of college options.

Yes, fresh off our upgrade to “Most Competitive” in admissions rankings, the College has been thrown right back into the spotlight – not because of its academic superiority, but for its research involving on-campus sexual promiscuity.

The hook-up. Our very own chair of the psychology department, Elizabeth Paul, who headed a study on the subject, defined it in the magazine as “one-time sexual encounters – anything from kissing to intercourse – between acquaintances who have no plans to even talk afterward, let alone repeat the experience.”

One of the College’s biggest challenges is gaining national recognition. And, with the admissions ranking upgrade, we seemed to be on the right track.

Now, we’re famous for something more grand – 78 percent of our students have hooked up, and with an average of 10.8 different partners each.

Clearly, with Paul’s discoveries comes a stigma that is greatly undeserved. No doubt, all over campus, kids are explaining to their parents the nature of the ‘hook-up.’

And no doubt, at home, parents are drawing up images of a campus gone wild, littered with beer bottles, used condoms and foggy memories.

It’s time to reassure the concerned adults. Our school is no different from any other – it just happens to be the location where the study took place.

Students at the College tend to be fully clothed in public places and usually don’t bring alcohol to class.

Most of us are good people with decent morals, and the College’s growing academic reputation is indicative of our intelligence. And yes, we do ‘hook-up’ with one another from time to time.

I remember the evening my own father learned what the term meant. A friend of mine was pursuing a girl with the sole intention of ‘hooking up’ with her and was seeking out father’s advice.

Naturally, my father assumed the term was synonymous with dating, so he gave him all sorts of typical suggestions. “Tell her you like her – ask her out to a movie,” he said.

What he didn’t understand was that all my friend wanted was an occasional physical relationship with as little emotional attachment as possible. “No, I just want to hook up with her,” he said, spending the next half hour explaining the term.

My father was surprised – most parents are. Apparently, when they were younger, physical intimacy actually implied a relationship – imagine that!

So, please, call your parents. They’re worried. As you read, they’re at home reading too – about our school and our students, and all the crazy things we’re doing.

The cat’s out of the bag. Our parents know our big secret.

So, as your father chokes on his morning coffee, reassure him with a phone call, and tell him you’re in the 22 percent who didn’t hook up, and you have no idea what all the fuss is about.