I learned a valuable lesson this summer. No, it had nothing to do with swimming, sunscreen or the Jersey shore. It’s much more serious than that. I learned that the more hatred grew in my heart for Ashlee and Jessica Simpson, the more I watched their shows, the more I knew every word to their songs and the more I felt like they were people I actually knew. It was not only both sick and twisted, but also nauseating.
I thought things were relatively bad last year when “Newlyweds” came out. Just hearing about the show made me want to violently hurl things at my television set and scream, “Why, God? Why?”
Jessica Simpson, of all people, was on a reality show. She wasn’t even half as famous or tabloid-exposed as Britney or Christina. Who in their right mind would want to watch Jessica Simpson live her everyday, stupid, petty life?
Then, it started. People kept talking about how dumb Jessica Simpson really is on the show. Is tuna a type of chicken? Jessica didn’t know. I had to see it. I had to see the gorgeous girl act like an idiot. It made me feel better about myself. I may not look like Jessica Simpson or be as rich as her or sing as well as her but I do, in fact, know what tuna is.
Then, this summer, Jessica, in all her glory, decided to share the spotlight with previously ignored sister, Ashlee. Ladies and gentlemen, we had no clue what we were in for when “The Ashlee Simpson Show” came out. This girl rode her sister’s coattails like they were as trendy as a Vespa and stole the spotlight immediately.
I saw the commercials and kept thinking that this Avril wannabe couldn’t really think she could rock – could she? Then it happened. I got sucked in. Who wouldn’t love to watch the tomboy wannabe punkster rebel girl’s trials and tribulations while writing and recording her first album?
She got dumped, dyed her hair, ate pizza, whined and drove a Lexus convertible right into my heart. To top it all off, “lil” Simpson’s first CD topped the charts on its debut.
So, all in all, I guess it’s safe to assume a couple of things about these Simpsons. Their dad, who is the executive producer of both of their shows, is one money-making genius of a minister. Also, the girls, annoying as they seem, must be doing something right because if not, why would I continue to waste my precious time watching them?